


Done Running

by marinstan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Auror Training, Background Hermoine Granger/Ron Weasley, Bottom Draco Malfoy, Drinking (nothing excessive though), Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, Golden Trio, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mentions of Demisexuality, Not Epilogue Compliant, Post War, Slow Burn, Top Harry Potter, Truth or Dare, and they were ROOMMATES
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:41:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23767867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marinstan/pseuds/marinstan
Summary: After three years of Auror Training with his best friends, Harry Potter is ready for things to be shaken up a little.He isn't prepared though for Draco Malfoy waltzing in and turning his whole life upside down.While Harry is struggling to accept his ex-nemesis as part of his life, he also has to help his friends make a decision they absolutely weren't ready for.And to top it all off, his new Syltherin roommate somehow gets him to reevaluate all his life choices - and makes him wonder if the most obvious path to take really is always the one leading to happiness.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley
Comments: 29
Kudos: 263





	1. Chapter 1

A satisfying _thud_ confirms that my dart has found its target. Right in the bull's eye. Cheers erupt around the table, clearly fueled by the steadily rising alcohol level of all those present.

„Not bad, mate. If Gu could see you now. Lack of finesse, my arse,“ Ron says, lifting his butterbeer.

Hermione next to him rolls her eyes, though with a fond smile. She finds the offense Ron has taken on my part when our duel teacher told me I'd be a brute on the field, a little ridiculous. So do I, but it's also nice that Ron cares that much. Not that I wouldn't know as much, but being reminded from time to time doesn't hurt.

„Shall I get another round?“ Dean asks as I slide back into my seat between him and Ron.

While he makes his way to the bar, Hermoine leans against Ron's shoulder. „We shouldn't get too drunk. Having a hangover tomorrow won't do.“

Terry blinks at her and props his chin up. „Right, the French are coming,“ he says. „I really hope one of the guys is cute.“

„I'm sure. They're French, after all,“ Hermione says.

Ron raises his brows. „And what's that supposed to mean?“

She meets his gaze. „That French people are generally attractive. I'm sure you would agree with me on that, wouldn't you?“

Ron flinches a little and I laugh. I don't think any of us will ever forget Ron's mortifying attempts at flirting with Fleur back in Fourth Year. Seven years later, and I can still recall the exact colour of his ashen face as I was trying to prevent him from drowning himself in the lake after asking her out.

„Cheers.“ Dean hands us all another drink and I make room for him to sit.

„I'm pretty sure it had way more to do with Fleur being a Veela than Fleur being French,“ Ron says.

„It probably didn't hurt though,“ Terry says, taking a swig from his butterbeer.

Even though we weren't close at all with the Ravenclaw back in school, he seems to remember Ron's little slip-up. It must have been a hot piece of gossip back then.

„But jokes aside, I'm really excited for the new students. Not that I wouldn't love you guys,“ he says, smiling at us, „but I'm sure it'll be nice to see some new faces.“

„I agree,“ Hermione says and I nod.

„Sometimes I fear that we're losing flexibility and adaptability by always staying in our team, you know?“ she continues, expression pensive.

„Yeah, I know what you mean. It's important we learn to work with people we don't know well, too. Otherwise we wouldn't make that good of Aurors,“ I say.

Nods around the table.

During the last three years of training with the four of them, we've developed a connection that somehow runs deeper than friendship. Despite never having been in the field together for real, we do know the feeling of trusting someone else completely, trusting them to have your back and kill for you if necessary. Of course, I've felt like this about Ron and Hermione for a long time now, but I was surprised when I realized that Dean and Terry had become just as reliable to me as my two best friends are.

„I just wish they wouldn't make such a secret of who they are,“ Ron says, draining his beer.

„Yeah, why are they doing that?“ Dean seems thoughtful.

„I think they didn't want us to research about each other. They did mention that those candidates weren't really on our side during the War, so I assume they don't want us to be predjudiced,“ Hermione muses.

„I actually get that,“ Terry says.

His brown curls and big blue eyes always make him seem like the most trustworthy person on earth, which I bet will come in handy during interrogations sometime.

„There is still a lot of prejudice against purebloods and former Death Eaters and such,“ he goes on.

Ron frowns. „I wouldn't call that prejudice, but rather a healthy amount of suspicion, mate.“

Dean wobbles his head in a yes-and-no motion.

„I hear you, but I do think that people go too far sometimes,“ I say, finishing off my drink as well. „Like, when those kids burned the Greengrasse's house down? Stuff like that is not acceptable.“

„That was a bit extreme, that's true,“ Ron concedes.

It has only been three years since the end of the War and it isn't surprising that people still hold grudges. I wouldn't say about myself that I've forgiven everyone that might deserve my forgiveness – even though I obviously don't run around setting buildings on fire. I also don't write hatemail or preach for general restrictions concerning pureblood families, but I understand the people who do. All the Weasleys have a hard time being objective when it comes to the people that used to follow Voldemort, even though they might not have done it willingly. Losing a brother and a son will do that to you.

„Do you think they were – How bad do you think their history is?“ Terry asks, frowning lightly. His nose piercing catches the light.

„I doubt they've been involved much. Otherwise Robards would never let them train with us,“ I say.

Ron makes a noise of agreement and Hermione nods.

„I really think we should get going, guys,“ she says with a glance at the time. „I don't want to be tired tomorrow.“

„Yeah, you're right,“ Dean says and we all get up, chairs scraping over the floor, coats rustling.

The chilly air outside cuts right through the comfortable tipsiness, making me shiver. Hermione and Ron take me in their middle, our arms linked.

„I'm glad we're here, guys,“ Ron says, cheeks red from the cold.

Hermione and I exchange an amused glance.

„No, I mean it,“ he insists, squeezing our arms. „I'm really bloody glad to be doing this with you.“

„So are we, honey,“ Hermione says and we're all smiling, the streetlights illuminating us in yellow light.

* * *

„You alright there, Draco?“

Blaise throws me a slightly concerned glance.

„Brilliant,“ I croak out, trying to get a grip on myself.

I knew that being back in London wouldn't be easy. I actually expected it to be awful. But I wasn't quite aware that simply standing in this cold room in an academy I've never been to before, would make me feel like little needles of ice were driving into me.

Pansy wraps and arm around my waist, leaning her head against my shoulder. Her dark bob is shining in the ugly artifical lights.

„Tell me again why we're here?“ I ask.

„Because we're done running,“ Blaise says, in this tone of his that leaves no room for discussion.

„And because the British Aurorforce is way better than the French one is,“ Pansy adds.

She lifts her hand and pets my hair. I think she really has a thing for blonds. I've allowed my hair to grow just a tiny bit, so that it's now tickling my neck, the longer locks in front almost carressing my jaw.

The sound of footsteps startles us all.

„Here goes nothing, my darlings,“ Pansy says and straightens her spine.

We're all watching the door apprehensively as if we'd expect a three-headed dog to burst in. When the door opens, I think I'd have actually preferred the dog over the actual intruders.

The moment Potter opens the door and sees us, his expression changes from nervous excitement to utter disbelief. „What the hell?“

I knew this was a possibility. I just didn't expect anyone could have that much of bad luck. Which, in hindsight, was quite stupid of me. Don't I know by now that I'm no less than the king of bad luck?

„For fuck's sake. Hell no.“

That's Weasley.

„Hello, Potter. Nice to see you again.“ Pansy's voice is sweet, but I know her well enough to recognize her nervousness.

Granger is looking between the three of us wide-eyed. Potter still hasn't managed to close his mouth.

Three years, and the Chosen One hasn't changed all that much. I mean, I think he put on some muscles that weren't there before and there is the shadow of a stubble dusting his jaw, but the glasses are just as hideous as ever, not quite managing to hide his vibrant emerald eyes.

„Hi? Oh – oh, hello.“

I know that I've went to school with this curly haired boy that is the definition of a twink if I have ever seen one, but I can't remember his name. Maybe Ravenclaw, even though his big eyes make me think of Hufflepuff.

„This is going to be interestig.“ I'm almost sure the black boy's name is Dean Thomas. He used to hang around the Golden Trio sometimes, if I remember correctly.

This is exceeding my worst expectations and that really is saying something.

„What are you doing here?“ Potter looks from me to Pansy to Blaise. He clearly has no idea what to do.

„We're here to become Aurors, just like you are,“ Blaise says and takes a step forward.

„I can imagine that you aren't exactly happy with us being your new fellow trainees, but I assure you, you have nothing to worry about.“

„No, but you fucking do,“ Weasley say, hand reaching into his pocket.

Granger grabs his wrist. „This does come as a surprise for us,“ she says, eyes darting between the three of us.

„For us as well, I assure you,“ Pansy says.

I grit my teeth and hate myself for letting those two convince me to come back here. What the hell was I thinking? I _knew_ it would be like this.

The Gryffindors and their Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff plus one are exchanging glances.

„We'll talk to Robards. You wait here,“ Potter says and I want to tell him that he's not in charge here, that he can't just order us around, but I'm wise enough to keep my mouth shut.

„Alright.“ Blaise nods at them, one hand on Pansy's shoulder. „Go ahead then.“

* * *

„I'm disappointed in all of you.“

Robards regards us with a stern look. He's an intimidating man at the best of times and when he's irked, he can be downright terrifying.

„But, sir. You can't seriously ask us to train with them,“ I say, desperation clear in my voice.

Blazing eyes are fixed on me now. „I can and I am, Trainee Potter. You'll train with them and you'll room with them and you'll be _decent_.“

„Why, sir?“ Dean asks, calmer than me.

„Because I looked into them and their request to train with us and found them suitable. I also told you beforehand that this is supposed to be a challenge for you, too. You've only ever trained with your friends. Lucky you, but that's not how the real world works. You're not only ever going to be working with your friends. I was confident you'd be able to adapt. So far, you are doing a bloody bad job.“

Hermione and Terry look down, clearly embarrassed. Ron next to me is fuming and Dean seems skeptical.

„I do trust your judgement, obviously. If you say they're fine, they must be. But it's not going to be easy to work with people who killed our friends and family,“ he says.

„Who called Hermione the M-word,“ Ron presses through grit teeth.

„None of them has actually killed anyone. And as I said – I deemed you professional enough to deal with the situation. Apparently, I was wrong.“

„Why didn't you at least tell us?“ I ask.

„I wanted to prevent you from doing exactly what you're doing right now. This is not your decision to make. I thought if I threw you into cold water, you'd trust me and accept my choice. But clearly, you don't. You're all behaving like bloody children.“

Hermione takes Ron's hand. „Our apologies, sir. We'll make it work.“

„Thank you, Trainee Granger. Now go show your new roommates where they'll be living until the end of training.“

I leave Robard's office feeling almost numb. It's just too much to process in one go. I never thought I'd actually see Malfoy again, not after he pissed off to France pretty immediately after the War. I wondered for a while what had happened to him – pissed that he took the right to simply run away. But that's what he's always done, so in the end, I stopped thinking about it so much. I didn't think he'd ever come back.

I certainly didn't think he'd ever come back as an Auror, for fuck's sake. Who in their right mind would train Malfoy to become an Auror? It's ridiculous.

„Guys, I know you have history with them and I don't like them either, but let's not be arseholes, okay?“

Both Ron and I throw Terry death glares.

„This is _Malfoy_ we're talking about. The other ones are bloody awful too, but Malfoy? You can't ask me to play nice with him. I can't.“ Ron clearly means every word and no one can blame him.

„But keep your wand in your pocket,“ Dean says, squeezing Ron's shoulder.

Opening the door for the second time isn't as much of a shock as it was the first time, but it still steals my breath away for a moment.

Malfoy is looking every bit like the pointy fucker he was in school – except for maybe some additional muscle on his lean form, even though he still doesn't seem like he could take on anyone in a physical altercation. His hair isn't slicked back anymore and longer than I remember it, which makes his features a little less sharp. But his face is unmistakably him.

I've never paid that much attention to Zabini in Hogwarts, but he seems taller and more imposing now, with broad shoulders and a face you remember. His hair is cropped short and his eyes almost black, darker even than Dean's.

Parkinson has changed as well. In her stylish clothes, she still reeks of money, but her hair is shorter now and her stance has changed, like she's spent a lot of her time working out. The red lipstick she's wearing feels inappropriate to me in this setting, but then I remind myself of how Ginny always lectures me on how it's not my bloody business what a woman likes to wear.

„Did you check in with Robards?“ Zabini seems to be set on being civil and I guess I'll have to follow his example. It's either that or ending up dueling, which might get us all expelled.

„We did. I guess we'll check out our new rooms then.“

It's common that trainees are moved after the third year of training, because we'll now have classes in other parts of the building and new teams are formed.  
To think of how excited I was to get new partners. Now I wish nothing more than to be back with my own team, just us – no intruding Slytherins.

„Gym and basically all classes involving practical training are in the basement,“ I say as we pass one of the stairs. „First and second floor are classrooms and third floor are the dorms and kitchens. Two of us will share a bedroom and we'll all have a common room and a small kitchen.“

I pray to anyone who might listen that Robards isn't cruel enough to make us share a bedroom with the Slytherins. But then again, at least one of us has to, seeing there's five of us and three of them. Selfishly, I'm glad that it will be most likely Hermione, since she's the only girl in our team.

„Let's see then.“

We all gather around the notice telling us who we're rooming with.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. Apparently, Robards is pissed at us for something. Of course I'm rooming with Draco bloody Malfoy.

„We're on the left.“

Terry actually manages a smile at Zabini. The Slytherin got lucky. Terry is too nice for his own good.

Or maybe he's just nice because he's never known Malfoy and his minions the way I have. He hasn't been a target of them – Malfoy might have not even remembered his name.

„Well.“ Hermione looks at Parkinson uncomfortably.

„Wow, I'm not alone in my room. That's a first.“ She grins as if she'd be glad, even though I'm sure it's just pretend.

„For me as well,“ Hermione says stiffly.

She's trying, I can already tell. Unlike Ron and I, Hermione doesn't hold on to anger if she knows it'll only make things harder for her. She's already accepted our fate and is now trying to make the best of it.

„We'll get settled then.“

Dean claps me on the shoulder and Ron murmurs in passing: „If the ferret tries anything, I'll wipe the floor with his scrawny arse.“

I give him a smile that I hope works as deescalating, before turning to Malfoy. „Straight ahead.“

He nods, looking like he'd have a wand shoves up his arse and walks ahead, his trunk floating behind him.

The room we share looks exactly like the one I've shared with Ron for the last three years. My heart actually hurts at the sight. At the prospect of having to exchange Ron for Malfoy. Bloody Malfoy, of all people.

Malfoy heads straight toward the bed furthest away from the door and I drop my gymbag on the one next to it.

„We don't have to clean anything, but be careful with the showers,“ I inform him flatly. „At least the old one always flooded the entire bathroom. So clean up after you're done.“

Malfoy nods curtly and I flee the room before I do something stupid.

* * *

The dormitories of the London Academy are a little nicer than the French ones, I must admit, but I'd take my old, ratty bed back anytime if that meant I'd get to share the room with Blaise instead of Potter.

Our first day back in England is absolutely horrible. Potter and his team give us a quick tour, showing us the basics before heading out for dinner or something, clearly not wanting our company. Which is fine, of course, since we don't want their company either.

„I need you to make an effort,“ Blaise says bascially the second they have left.

„I am making an effort,“ Pansy says, dropping on the sofa in the common room.

„Then try harder. We don't have to be friends, but if we want to be successful here, they can't hate us.“

„But they do, Blaise. And I can't blame them for it.“

Blaise looks at me, frowning. „Well, as I said. We don't have to like each other – but we do have to respect each other. Otherwise this won't work.“

„What do you want us to do?“ Pansy asks, tucking her legs under.

„Just be nice. This goes for you especially, Draco.“

I roll my eyes. „It's hard being nice to people that I know hate every inch of me.“

My fingers are toying with the hem of my shirt, clenching and releasing, over and over again. I'm too high-strung to control the tick right now.

„Then change that.“

„I don't think I can. Potter and his friends have seen the worst of me. I doubt there's any coming back from that.“

„Boot isn't so bad,“ Blaise says. „I don't think he hates us.“

„That's because he doesn't know us,“ I retort.

„None of them knows us, Draco. That's the problem. They know what we've done in the past. Not who we are now.“

I understand why Blaise is trying so hard. This has been his goal for years now and no one is more ambitious than Blaise. But I don't think he realized that his little mission for redemption is coming to an abrupt halt today.

„I won't start any fights, if that is what you're worried about. But I'm not entertaining any illusions, either. The Golden Trio hates us and I don't think we can change that. I don't know about Thomas, but I doubt it matters much. I suggest we just try to keep our heads down and that is that.“

„But that won't be enough if we want to make it here,“ Blaise says, the tension in his body almost palpable.

Pansy puts a comforting hand on his knee. „I hear you, but you need to be patient. If they're going to accept us, it'll take time. A lot of it. Don't mess it up by trying too hard. And don't be devastated if it doesn't work. I don't know about you, but I'm able to live just fine without the approval of our beloved Chosen One or his little followers. It's not like we need to stay here after this year.“

„We need his approval,“ Blaise says.

Pansy sighs. „Blaise. You can't force this. These people saw what we're capable of. They've been right there with us. If I were them, I wouldn't forgive us.“

Blaise sighs and leans back into the cushions. I join them on the sofa.

„We'll make it through. We always do,“ Pansy says and snuggles against my side.

For the first time since we arrived here, a sense of calm is surging through me. No matter how horrible our situation might be, we lived through worse. Way worse.

As long as Pansy and Blaise are with me, I'm able to get through anything.

* * *

„That's incorrect, Mr. Weasley. Mr. Malfoy?“

Everyone is turning their heads to watch Malfoy.

„While Dragon Pox used to be incurable, a potion has now been invented that might not be considered a cure as such, since it can't fight the virus itself, but is treating the symptoms so well that it is now highly unlikely to die from the desease. The mortality rate is one in two hundred.“

Ron stares at Malfoy as if he wanted to murder him, which I know isn't far from the truth. The Slytherin just looks bored.

It has quickly become apparent during our first week of training together that Malfoy is no less than a genius when it comes to Magical Deseases and Cures. He really gives Hermione a run for her money in this class and while it irritates Hermoine to no end, it makes Ron truly furious.

„Thank you, Mr. Malfoy.“

Hermione looks a little sour, scribbling something down, so it's me who puts a soothing hand on Ron's shoulder.

„I fucking hate the git,“ he says, not bothering to be all that quiet.

„Do you have something to share with the class, Mr. Weasley?“ our prof asks.

„No, sir,“ Ron gives back reluctantly, clearly still set on hexing Malfoy.

It's been seven and a half day of living and trainig with the Slytherins and I'm seriously worried that this might end in homicide. While Dean and Hermione have more or less adapted to the situation, if reluctantly, and Terry is actually friendly toward the new members, Ron doesn't let any opportunity to go at them pass, especially Malfoy. And even though I have yet to hex any of them, I can't deny that Malfoy is severly distracting me from my studies, which I shouldn't allow him to do.

What irritates me most is the fact that the Slytherins are actually good at what they're doing. I mean, they must be, otherwise Robards wouldn't have taken them in, but I somehow hoped they wouldn't be that good. But Malfoy is clearly better than all of us in this class and Zabini has shown us the ropes in Law with a flamig dissertation on werewolf rights that almost had Hermoine swooning. The day Parkinson first wiped the floor of our gym with Dean's arse was the day Ron exploded and hexed her so badly that she was hiccupping for hours after Malfoy took the spell off.

In short, things aren't going smoothly at all.

One of the worst parts is certainly rooming with Malfoy. We're only ever there to sleep and have exchanged about ten words in there since he arrived, but I'm so aware of his presence whenever he's there that I have trouble sleeping. It's like he'd be surrounded by some magnetic field and I am a compass, always pointing North. Right at him.

It's exhausting.

„Merlin, guys,“ Dean exclaims as we walk into the common room after classes only to find Ron and Hermione intertwined on the sofa.

The three Slytherins pretend to be deaf and blind.

Hermoine disentangles herself from Ron, clearly embarrassed. It must be hard for them. They've gotten so used to Hermoine always having a room to herself that this must be a huge adjustment.

„I thought you were going out tonight?“ I ask them, pouring myself some coffee.

„We are, actually. You're out with Gin?“ Ron asks, straightening his clothes.

„Yeah. We're going for dinner.“ I ignore the litte twist in my stomach. It's not like I wouldn't look forward to seeing Ginny. I'm just not in the mood for any of the heavy topics she lately so likes to discuss.

„What about you, Dean? Are you staying in?“ Terry asks.

Dean shrugs. „Don't know yet. Seamus asked to hang out, but I'm not sure if that still stands. He's a little preoccupied with Cara lately.“

After months of being very understanding, Dean is slowly starting to get a little pissed at his best friend for frequently ditching him in favour of his new girlfriend.

„If not, we could hang out,“ Terry says.

He's such an extrovert, he can hardly bear being alone for more than an hour at the time. Sometimes I envy him. My need for privacy has made me a little pricklish lately.

„Sure,“ Dean says.

And then, to everyone's horror, Terry turns to the Slytherins. „What are you guys up to?“

The three of them exchange glances.

„We were actually going to dinner and then probably turn in early. It's Monday, afterall,“ Zabini says.

„We should all do something together sometime,“ Terry says. „You know, some team bonding.“

Ron meets my gaze. „Yeah, I don't think so,“ he says, grabbing Hermoine's hand. „Let's go.“

Terry looks so disappointed that I can't help but feel a little bad for him. „We'll see about it, okay? But I'll have to run, too.“

I give him a weak smile and then push past the Slytherins that all seem to look at me with piercing eyes.

The restaurant Ginny and I are meeting at is a cute little Italien place with small tables and slightly sticky menues

„There you are.“ She smiles at me and gets up to give me a kiss. She looks lovely in her jeans and low-cut top, her hair down for once.

„Am I late?“

„No, I'm early. And starving.“

We're quick to pick our food, catching up on the last two weeks that we didn't see each other.

„Rooming with Malfoy? Do I have to be worried?“

„Nah, I could take him on no problem. And he didn't really try anything. It's more that it's really bad for the atmosphere, you know? Everyone's constantly on edge and I really don't see it changing any time soon.“

„I get if you don't want to make nice with Malfoy. I wouldn't either.“

I rub my face. „Yeah, but the problem is, I think I might have to. I mean, we're training together. That won't change anytime soon.“

„Won't they leave if it doesn't work out with you guys?“

I try not to get annoyed, but I feel like she's missing the point. „I don't know. But it might just as well be us that have to leave. Afterall, Ron is the only one who's actually throwing hexes and sooner or later, that will have consequenses.“

She hums and pushes a strand of hair out of her face. „I get that, but I honestly feel like it's too much asked of you to get along with them. I mean, Zabini and Parkinson, maybe. But Malfoy? No way.“

I understand why she's reacting that way, but it still pisses me off. „That's not the point though, Ginny. We have to get along. Robards made that really bloody clear.“

„Okay, so then keep it professional.“ She reaches out and takes my hand. „I have faith that you can do that.“

I sigh. „Me too, mostly. But... I don't know how it is with your team, but with us – I feel like professional might not quite be enough. I mean, in the end we'll have to trust these people with our lives. That requires some type of... fellowship, at least.“

„Yeah, it's similar with Quidditch. But, I don't know. I feel like I can distinguish between teammate and friend quite well. I can rely on someone on the field and trust them to do their job without having to like their personalty.“

I nod slowly. „I think I get what you mean.“ I smile wryly at her. „Then I'll have to work on relying on Malfoy.“

„Merlin be with you,“ she says, grinning.

Our food arrives and we dig into our pizza, mostly quiet and listening to the hum of conversation around us.

„I was thinking, Harry,“ she starts when we're almost done with our meal.

My stomach clenches immediately. There is no reason to.

„I know you still have at least one year of training left, but I thought we could talk about it already. As soon as I get my contract, I'd really like to move out of the Burrow. I'm confident I could afford a place for myself, don't worry, that's not it – but I'd really like to move in with you.“

She waits a beat.

„Oh, um, okay. Yeah.“

„It's just because we see each other so rarely. And I get it, both of our schedules are pretty insane and not very compatible, so I thought... if we moved in together, we'd see each other more. What do you think?“

What she's saying makes perfect sense. It's actually been overdue. We've been together now for three years, officially, and it's about time.

Why am I feeling conflicted about this?

„Yeah, sounds good.“ I smile at her, hoping it looks genuine. It should be. It is.

„But, you know that I'm not sure if it's really only going to be one more year. I might want to specify in something or the other. It's usually recommended. And most people live at the academy until their training is done. You don't have to, but it's cheaper.“

Ginny nods, playing with her fork. „I know that. But... honestly, I don't want to go two more years like this. It's weird, only seeing you, like, twice a month. It shouldn't be like that.“

„I know. I – we'll make more time. Dinner once a week. Okay?“

She smiles at me, if not entirely convinced. „Okay. Let's try that.“

I reach out and take her hand, wondering why I'm not happier about this.

* * *

„What the fuck, Malfoy!“

I'm a split second too slow as Weasley unleashes his fury and hits me with a hex that knocks me off my feet, my nose starting to bleed immediately.

„The duel was over, Weasley!“ our instructor bellows, but neither Weasley nor I care.

I'm overtaken by instinct now, up on my feet in a second, sending an Incarcerus Weasley's way. He manages to dodge it, but just barely.

Before I can try again, Blaise and Granger step between us.

„Calm down, Draco,“ Blaise says, wand raised.

„Get out of the way,“ I hiss.

„He fucking cheated,“ Weasley howls as the instructor reprimands him.

„It's not my fault you have the reflexes of a dead flubberworm,“ I snap at him and he tries to get around Ganger and Instructor Gu to have another go at me.

„Enough of this nonsense now!“ Our instructor, an elderly witch that somehow reminds me of McGonagall if McGonagall was a little less refined and a little more fond of stinging hexes, looks between all of us. „This has been going on for quite long enough now. You're all behaving like morons. What the hell has gotten into you?“

Weasley presses his lips together.

„He cheated,“ he says quietly.

„I didn't cheat!“ My voice catches and I'm immediately embarrassed.

I know that the coach is right, that we're behaving like kids, myself included. But I'm worn-out, constantly sleep-deprived and on edge. And Weasley just won't come off it.

„Ron, come on. He really didn't cheat,“ Boot says and I don't know why I'm angry at him now, too.

„I'm so bloody over this,“ Weasley says and storms off.

Granger and Potter exchange a significant look. Potter goes after his friend, while Granger glances at us, almost embarrassed.

„Class dismissed. And if this doesn't improve by next week, I'm going to have a word with Robards,“ Coach Gu threatens.

„Such a fool,“ Pansy says, coming up next to me.

„He is, but so are you.“

Blaise looks at me, almost disappointed.

„You can't fucking hex them, Draco. You know that.“

This is the last drop. I explode.

„Shut your fucking mouth, Blaise! I'm so sick of you being oh so good and wise and responsible. You have no idea what it's like to be me, okay? They hate me and it's _never going to change_ , so stop trying!“

It's quiet in the gym.

I didn't mean to snap in front of Thomas and Boot, least of all Granger, but what's done is done.

„Just leave me, please,“ I say, before heading in the direction of the showers, heart pounding, unsteady in my chest.

When I get out of the shower, Pansy is sitting on the bench, apparently wating for me.

„This is the men's room,“ I inform her.

„They'll get over it,“ she says, standing up.

„Draco, I get it. Alright? I really, truly get it. And I can't stand them either. But this isn't about them. It's about us. We'll have to be perfect, otherwise we don't stand a chance. I know you're better than Weasley. Don't lose your temper.“

I press the heels of my hands against my eyes until I see stars.

„We never stood a chance in the first place. Why don't you two get that?“

Pansy frowns at me, crossing her arms. She almost looks dangerous in her tight pants, showing off her strong legs. „Maybe we should apologise. Properly. To all of them.“

„They won't forgive us.“

„But then at least we'll have tried. And also... we owe them that much.“

I take a deep breath. „I know. It's not like I wouldn't think we owe them. It's the opposite – I know we do. And I know that nothing I could do will ever be enough, so why try?“

„Because it's the only option. And by the way, I don't agree with you. You've done some terrible things, but you're not your father. Or Bellatrix. Or Greyback. You're a not a bad person, Draco.“

„I used to be. Maybe I still am.“

„Let's apologise. I don't think things can get much worse.“


	2. Chapter 2

I don't think any of us really knows what to expect when Parkinson struts into the common room, saying we have to talk. Ron and I look at each other. I've just talked him down – told him that he has to stop hexing Malfoy like that, that it's not okay. Not when Malfoy didn't start the whole thing. And even though Ron seemed to at least somewhat agree with me, I'm really not sure if he's in the mood to talk to the Slytherins right now.

„Alright, Parkinson,“ I say and we squeeze on the couch – pretty crammed with five people – and look at the three of them expectantly.

Malfoy clears his throat.

„This is probably long overdue, but I'll just pretend better late than never. I owe you an apology. All of you, but especially you, Potter, Weasley. Granger.“

He takes a deep breath.

„I can't possibly apologise for every single thing I did to you – we'd be here all night, as you know perfectly well. But, Weasley, I am sincerely sorry for your brother. Both of your brothers, actually. I never wished them bad, but I realize that what happened to them has been partly my fault. And I'm sorry for that. I'm also sorry for talking about your family the way I did. It wasn't right and it also wasn't honest.“

He turns to Hermoine.

„I'm sorry for what I've called you and everything else I put you through.“

Now he's looking at me, his fingers closing and opening again.

„And I'm sorry for the way I treated you, Potter. I think you know that – that most of it was out of jealousy, but that of course doesn't make it okay.“

He pauses and swallows.

„I also wanted to say that even though I have no excuses for my actions, I do think that I really have changed. It isn't that easy to shake beliefs that have been ingraned into your brain since before you could even walk, but I tried my best. I still am. I understand if you can't forgive me for my past actions, but I do want to ask you to at least respect that I'm trying to become a better person.“

Stunned silence fills the room. Malfoy tugs at his hair, shifts his weight. Then steps back.

„And I wanted to apologise as well,“ Parkinson says, her voice even. „Especially to you, Potter. For what I said in the Great Hall. That we should hand you over. It was wrong. I was scared. That's the only excuse I have.“

My head is spinning.

„I understand that,“ I say.

I've never been particularly angry at Parkinson for saying what she said back then. I don't think that I would have done the same if it had been the other way around, but I do understand where she was coming from. 

Now Zabini speaks up.

„I too understand that you are all holding grudges against us and you have every reason not to like us. But we've all worked very hard to be where we are right now and I feel like we at least deserve a chance.“

I think everyone is a little surprised when it's Hermoine who answers first.

„I think you're right, Zabini. Thank you all for apologising. I think I'm speaking for all of us when I say it is too early for forgiveness, but I really do appreciate your apologies. And I believe we have to apologise as well.“

She looks at Ron, but he doesn't say anything.

„Yeah, I agree. Thanks for at least saying you're sorry,“ I say. 

It's obvious how much it cost them, especially Malfoy, and somehow, I feel like the apology was sincere.

„We should have been a little more welcoming. I know that we've made working together pretty difficult.“

The three of them look at me with something very close to gratefulness in their eyes. My gaze lingers on Malfoy. I think he's surprised. His grey eyes have widened a little and he meets my gaze.

„Let's all go out tonight,“ Terry says. „It's a Friday night and we've never been out together. Let's just... I don't know, get to know each other better.“

Parkinson and Malfoy exchange a quick glance. Then all the Slytherins nod.

„We'd like that,“ Parkinson says.

Everyone agrees on picking out a Muggle pub so not to attract any press. 

It's all very stilted and awkward in the beginning. Without Terry and Zabini, I think we'd have gone home after the first thirty minutes. But both of them are relentless in their efforts to get us all to loosen up, to start talking. 

The first thing that really opens up a conversation is comparing the Auror force in France with our own. Zabini has some interesting facts to share and Hermoine is more than happy to indulge the Slytherins in the finer details of our systems.

„Do you guys already know if you want to specialize later on?“ Terry asks when we're on our second round.

„I'm not quite sure yet – I mean, I do want to specialize, but I'm not sure what in,“ Hermoine says. „I'm very interested in Deseases and Cures, but Dark Artefacts is interesting as well and I'd also love working closely together with the Department of Mysteries.“

Hermoine goes into a ten minute rant on her three favorite subjects and it's only when Terry gently interrupts her that anyone else gets to answer the question as well.

„I'm not sure yet. If I'll specialize, then probably in duelling. But right now, it doesn't look like I'll be good enough.“

It's not easy for me to admit a weakness in front of the Slytherins, but I've decided to give this whole bonding thing a shot, so that's what I'll have to do now.

„I'm drawn to duelling as well. Physical Combat would also be nice, but as a girl, that's difficult,“ Parkinson says.

„It's Law for me, definitely,“ Zabini says, taking a swig from his beer. „What about you, Terry?“

„I'm not sure yet. I think spywork might be very interesting. I'm quite good with diguises, so who knows?“

He smiles and lifts his glass, but before taking a sip, he asks: „Draco? What about you?“

It's the strangest thing so far this evening, Terry calling Malfoy by his given name.

„I'd like to specialize in Deseases and Cures. It's my favourite subject.“

„And he's brilliant at it too,“ Parkinson says, pride resonating in her voice.

Dean explains that he doesn't plan on specializing. I already knew that he'd rather be in the field right away, switching between tasks and would also be alright to work the desks if necessary.

„And you, Weasley?“

Everyone stills, eyes darting between Zabini and Ron. For a moment, I think Ron will tell him to fuck off. But he just takes a breath and shrugs.

„Tactics and Strategies for sure.“ 

He takes a gulp that clearly indicates he isn't planning on going into any more detail, but it's a start.

„Are you good at chess?“ Zabini asks.

Ron eyes him, but it's Hermoine who answers.

„He's brilliant, actually.“

„Yeah, his chess skills saved our lives before,“ I chime in and now I have everyone's attention.

Hermoine and I look at each other.

„You tell them.“

Everyone is hanging on her lips as she recounts the events of our first year in Hogwarts and when I'm looking around, seeing Parkinson's enthralled face and Malfoy not quite being able to hide his curiosity, I think that maybe, we'll manage working together someday.

„I want fair game from both of you, am I clear?“

„Yes, coach,“ both Potter and I reply, eyes on each other.

It's been ages since I last duelled Potter and if I'm honest, I don't really think I stand a chance. But just because I won't win doesn't mean I won't give them a good show.

„Go,“ the coach bellows and Potter throws a curse at me that I easily dodge.

It's something many experienced duelists do – attack right at the beginning, hoping to surprise their opponent. It doesn't work on me anymore – a very pretty French trainee hexed that out of me.

We exchange stinging hexes, then I duck under a stunning spell and send one of my own Potter's way.  
I expected him to be faster. More varied in his choices too.   
I dodge two more stunning spells and one Expeliarmus, before I sense a chance and straighten, bouncing on my toes.

„Alarte Ascendare!“

Potter isn't quick enough to dodge it and shoots high up in the air. He manages not to drop his wand, but in the end, it doesn't matter. I'm over him, wand at his throat, before he can fire another spell at me.

„And stop!“

I step back, panting. Potter stares at me with huge eyes. I can faintly hear Pansy and Blaise whistling.

I just beat Harry Potter in a duel.

„You're too slow, Potter,“ Coach Gu chides him and he gets up, a little wobbly on his feet.

„I'll go take a shower.“

He storms off and my heart beats with unease. Maybe I just screwed up the fragile bit of truce we've worked so hard for. I shake my head, trying to clear it. It's not like I should have just let Potter win. That would have been stupid. If he's not mature enough to take a defeat, he shouldn't be an Auror.

Still, I can't say I wouldn't be nervous when I get back to our room twenty minutes later. Maybe he'll want his revenge now.  
It doesn't seem like it though, since he's clad only in a towel, running a hand through his wet hair.  
My mouth goes dry as my eyes flicker over his exposed torso.   
Potter isn't overly muscled, but there is a solidness, a strength to his body, that I somehow find absolutely magnetizing. His stomach isn't chiseled, but there is a hint of abs and golden skin that looks very smooth. In the middle of his chest, right on his sternum, is an oval shaped scar.

„Congrats, Malfoy.“

He sounds a little bitter, but not like he'd be about to murder me.

„You made it easy for me.“

I bite my tongue. It wasn't meant to sound so disparagingly. I was actually trying to be nice. But I suck at that, I know.

Potter raises his brows.

„Did I?“

I shrug, aware that there must be colour blooming high on my cheeks.

„I just meant that it felt like you weren't a hundred percent in it.“

„How do you mean?“

„Well, it seemed like – don't hex me, okay? I'm not trying to start a fight.“

The ghost of a smile plays over his lips.

„Alright.“

„It seemed like you've become a little too used to people being afraid of you. That leads you to letting your defenses down. I don't think that you're actually slower than I am – I believe you weren't really triyng.“

„I was trying.“

„But you thought you'd win anyway.“

He seems to think that through and I try not to stare at his naked skin. It's disturbing.

„I suppose you're right.“

I've never heard those words come out of Potter's mouth before and I really don't know how to deal with them.

„Well, I like to be.“

He sighs and sits down on his unmade bed. I almost ask him to please put on a shirt so I can properly look at him again.

„I guess I've gotten so used to people assuming I'm better than I actually am that I've gotten careless.“

„Possible.“

His green eyes are on me and he doesn't look spiteful or angry or even suspicious. Curious is the word.

„Why are you different? Weren't you afraid of me?“

I think about it for a moment.

„Not afraid. I know that you don't hurt people if it's not necessary, so I wasn't too worried I might be hit with something awful. And I guess I'm also used to the odds stacked against me. I often fight people that I stand no chance against, especially earlier on. Before Auror training.“

Potter nods slowly and I can barely believe that we're actually having a normal conversation.

„Will you teach me?“

I'm sure I've misheard him.

„Excuse me?“

„Would you teach me? Just, I mean, next time we duel – will you tell me what I've done wrong?“

I blink at him.

„Should I win again, sure. I can do that.“

And then he smiles at me. It temporarily knocks the air out of me.

„Thanks, Malfoy.“

„No problem.“

My heart is beating too loudly.

„I'll go take a shower now,“ I say, eager to get away from him.

„Sure. I'll be in the common room.“

When I slink into the common room after a quick shower, I find everyone else splattered over sofa and armchairs, eating and talking and - in Granger's case – studying.

„Drake! Come sit with us,“ Blaise says, petting the armrest of his chair.

Potter and Weasley both shoot me an amused look.

„Don't call me that,“ I sigh.

Before I can sit down next to Blaise, Pansy takes my hand and pulls me into her lap. She loves to do that, but I always think I'll crush her.  
Blaise throws us a glance.

„I asked him first, Pansy,“ he says lightly.

Pansy gives him her widest smile. I wonder if the others can see the danger in it too.

„Don't be rude, Blaise. We share everything, don't we?“

Blaise's gaze darkens. I used to always shut my mouth when they started with this, but now I interfere. I can't have Blaise and Pansy fighting right now.

„Guys,“ I say, clear warning in my voice and slide from Pansy's lap onto the floor, leaning against her legs.

I don't miss the others' curious eyes, but none of us meets them.

„Have you started on that essay for Law yet?“ Potter asks.

The question was clearly directed to all of us, but I'm surprised to see that Potter is looking at me. 

„Barely,“ I say and he seems relieved.

„Me neither. But I guess we should, right?“

„I think so, yes.“

I'll just pretend this isn't weird. In the end, pretending is what I do best. Or at least I like to think so.  
The evening passes in relative peace, since we're all studying or catching up on homework, only speaking if someone has a question or complaint. When Weasley hands me a bowl of crisps, I try my best not to act as if Severus would have just announced that the lesson ends early.

Saturday morning begins for me with Hermoine shoving me out of the way, clearly in desperate hurry.  
Well, actually, the day begins with watching Malfoy stagger around the room, scrambling for his clothes and muttering curses under his breath, before stumbling into the kitchen in search of coffee. I find it almost... endearing, how grumpy Malfoy is in the mornings. Which, in itself, should probably concern me.

„Hermoine? You alright?“

I look after her, slightly confused, and join Malfoy in the kitchen. He's already drained half a cup of coffee. Parkinson is sitting on the counter, her long legs dangling down.

„Morning,“ I say and peer into the pot if there's any coffee left. Malfoy hands me a cup and I flash him a brief thank-you smile. The way his pale cheeks tinge pink has me staring for a moment too long.

„Have you seen Hermoine?“ I ask Parkinson. „She just stormed past me as if she was on the run from some murderous mermen or something.“

Parkinson tilts her head.

„I think she's a little sick. She has thrown up all morning.“

„Oh, shit.“

I cast a compassionate glance in the vague direction of Parkinson's room.

„Morning, everyone.“

Terry pads into the kitchen, just in his briefs and a thin shirt, rubbing his eyes.

„Put some clothes on, man,“ Ron exclaims, pulling a chair out from under the table and slumping down.

„Any coffee left?“ Ron asks, peering into my cup.

I shake my head and let him take a sip from mine.

„I can make some more,“ Malfoy says.

„Thanks, ferret.“

The Slytherin casts Ron a dark glare, but decides not to comment.

It turns out to be a very slow morning – the first one since the Slytherins arrived. We spend about two hours lounging in the kitchen, eating breakfast and passing the Prophet around. Hermoine joins us soon and just waves me off, saying she's fine. Only when the last crumb of toast is eaten and everyone except for Dean (he hates coffee) has stocked up on more than enough caffeine, we grudgingly agree that it's time to get back to studying.

Around five PM, my mind is whirring and I can feel a headache approaching.  
Parkinson is curled up in an armchair across from me, having studied for the last hours, but now her forehead is resting on a book that's open on her armrest. I'm not sure if she's asleep. Malfoy is leaning against her chair, long legs outstretched, lips moving. He always does that, moving his lips when trying to remember something. He also closes his eyes for a moment or two sometimes, as if trying to concentrate all his focus just on whatever it is he's trying to memorize.

„My head is about to explode,“ Ron says suddenly, closing his book with finality.

„Mine too,“ Terry quickly follows his lead.

Hermoine yawns and Ron drapes an arm around her shoulder.

„Let's get out of here. I need a change of scenery,“ Dean says, stretching his back.

We're all quick to agree. Looks like this will be our second bonding night then. This time, I'm not nearly as nervous.

„I've discovered a new bar not too far from here. It's a little gay though. I hope that's not a problem?“ Terry asks.

„How gay is a little gay? Because if it's as gay as the last time, then I'm not sure I'm up for it tonight,“ Ron says.

„Last time?“ Parkinson asks, clearly intrigued.

Hermoine and I both start grinning.

„Well, last time, Ron has enjoyed an exquisite lapdance,“ I say, grinning widely.

Hermoine giggles.

„Oh, indeed. The man was hot, wasn't he?“

Ron's ears are red, but he takes it well and just shrugs.

„I don't know. He certainly was heavy. And I'm used to Hermoine, so...“

„Hey!“

Hermoine elbows him.

Malfoy and Parkinson both laugh. I find myself staring at Malfoy, at the way his eyes squint and white teeth are revealed when he laughs.

„I'm used to gay, so I'm cool with it,“ Zabini says.

I wonder why he says that. If he's queer himself or maybe Parkinson is. Or... Malfoy? I shake my head, trying to physically rid myself of my wandering thoughts.

„Me too,“ I say and Dean nods his agreement.

„I'd say this is at least medium gay, not a little, but alright,“ Ron comments as we push some tables together to make room for all of us.

I silently agree, but decide not to say anything.

„Yeah, well. My standards are different than yours,“ Terry says, shrugging. „First round's on me.“

He heads toward the bar and I find myself sitting between Ron and Dean, across from Malfoy. It doesn't take Terry long to get back with the drinks and I'm thankful for the warmth spreading in my belly after the first sip.

„Okay, I'm not talking about classes tonight,“ Terry says, fingers curled around his drink. „So instead I'd love to hear all about you guys' love life. I don't know anything about that yet. Any boyfriends? Girlfriends?“

He looks at the Slytherins expectantly. I don't think about how I'm leaning in closer so not to miss what any of them says.

„Not anymore. Sorry to disappoint.“

Zabini's smile seems a little strained.

„No girlfriends,“ Parkinson nods and something about her tone sounds off.

Zabini stares into his glass.

„Malfoy?“ 

Terry won't give up that easily. But Malfoy just shakes his head.

„What about you guys though?“ Zabini asks. „I mean, Weasley and Hermoine, you two are obvious, but what about the rest?“

„No boyfriend right now. My last dumped me six months ago,“ Terry says

We all know the story fairly well. Terry had been more down than any of us had ever seen him before.

„I'm sorry about that,“ Malfoy says.

„Me too. But in the end, it's his loss.“

„I'm single too. Been for a while. I'm just too picky, I guess. But it's also not something I put very much effort in. If it happens, it happens, if not – that's fine with me too,“ Dean says, shrugging.

It takes me a moment to realize why everbody is looking at me now. My face heats a little and I avoid grey eyes.

„Oh, um. I have a girlfriend. Ginny. Ron's sister.“

„I remember her,“ Parkinson says, nodding. „She's fierce, isn't she?“

„Yeah, she is.“

That's true and it's one of the qualities I love most in her, but somehow, I really don't want to talk about Ginny right now.

„For how long have you guys been together?“ Zabini asks.

„Three years now, I think.“

„That's quite a while,“ Parkinson comments.

Somehow, I can't look at Malfoy.

„I guess.“

„They're really cute,“ Ron says. „When they first started dating, I was afraid it might be weird, but... it's actually awesome.“

I should smile now. I definitely shouldn't feel like someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water into my stomach.  
I'm relieved when the waiter approaches our table and clears the empty glasses.  
I'm a little less relieved when he lingers around Malfoy and says:

„Hey, gorgeous. Can I treat you to your next drink?“

Malfoy blinks, looking like a deer caught in headlights.  
Parkinson and Zabini are both grinning.

„No, thank you,“ Malfoy says stiffly and the waiter shifts his weight.

„Are you sure?“

„Fairly, yes.“

The waiter cuts his losses and leaves. Malfoy stares at the table as if he'd hope to just vanish into thin air, his cheeks pink. Zabini and Parkinson start laughing.  
Everyone else seems slightly confused.

„Not into men, Malfoy?“ Terry asks.

Parkinson laughs even louder.

„That's not really it. Isn't it, Draco?“

The look Malfoy throws her is so sharp that it actually shuts her up – even though she's obviously still fighting a giggle.

„Didn't you just say you're single?“

Terry is a sweetheart, but sometimes, he oversteps boundaries without even noticing they were there in the first place.

„I am.“

Malfoy seems to get even redder and now everyone is staring at him, so I decide to do him a favour.

„Did you guys hear about the new pitch right outside the city? I'd really love to go flying sometime. It's supposed to be pretty good.“

„Yeah, that would be great,“ Dean says, eyes shining, and that does the trick, because now everyone is talking about Quidditch – except Hermoine and Zabini, who exchange a fondly exasperated look.

„You want that?“

Hermoine pushes her full glass over to me.

„You don't want it?“

„I'm not really in the mood for alcohol tonight.“

„Okay, yeah. I'll take it.“

„Let's play Truth or Dare!“ Terry croons, clearly excited.

Sometimes I wonder if he maybe took an aging potion or something. He so often seems like he's still sixteen.

„Come one, aren't we too old for that?“ I ask.

„Maybe you are.“

Parkinson grins, clearly delighted.

„I'm game,“ Ron says and to my chagrin, everyone else seems to be down as well – even though Malfoy only very reluctantly.

„I'll start.“

Terry spins the transfigured bottle.   
It lands on Hermoine.

„Truth,“ she says.

„Have you ever had sex with someone other than Ron?“

Hermoine glances apologetically at her boyfriend.

„Yes. I have, with one other person.“

„Was it Krum?“ I ask her and she nods, cheeks faintly red.

Ron seems a little displeased, but she clearly already told him about it, so it doesn't put him off too much.

„My turn, then.“

She spins the bottle. It lands on Zabini.

„Dare,“ the Slytherin says.

Before Hermoine can come up with something (she's pants at games like this), Ron leans over, whispering something into her ear.

„Zabini, go ask the waiter if you can come over when his shift ends.“

Zabini arches an eyebrow and gets up. We're all blatantly staring as he approaches the waiter and talks to him. It takes him about two seconds.

„Done,“ he says, sitting back down.

„What did he say?“ Ron asks.

„Yes, of course. Though I'm not quite sure he believed I was serious. You guys were very obviously ogling us.“

The bottle spins again and this time, it's my turn. I suck in a breath and decide not to risk a dare with a Slytherin.

„Truth.“

Zabini grins.

„Dominant or submissive in bed?“

I'm instantly bright red. But I guess it could have been worse.

„Depends on the mood,“ I say.

„If you had to choose one?“

„Dominant, then.“

Terry whistles and Dean laughs, while Ron grimaces.

„I really don't need to know any details concerning your sex life, mate.“

„I wasn't planning on giving you any.“

I spin the bottle. It lands on Parkinson.

„Dare,“ she says, eyes gleaming.

I'm horrible at this – I can never come up with anything interesting.

„Um... sing the chorus of your favourite song?“

Groans around the table.

„Mate, you're way too nice,“ Terry says.

But Parkinson doesn't seem all that pleased.

„Alright, you asked for it.“

It turns out that Parkinson can't sing for shit. She might actually sound worse than I do and that really is an accomplishment.

„Okay, that's enough,“ Malfoy says eventually and everyone laughs.

Parkinson spins the bottle, almost knocking over her drink. It points to Dean.

„Dare,“ he says, sighing.

Parkinson grins.

„Kiss Terry on the mouth. But he can't move his lips or tongue. Got it?“

Dean hesitates for a moment.

„Okay, fuck it. You down?“ he asks Terry.

The Ravenclaw grins.

„Sure I am.“

I almost choke on my drink at the sight of Dean licking over Terry's closed lips, clearly uncomfortable as hell, until both of them burst out in laughter.

„You're a terrible kisser,“ Terry says when he got himself under control again.

„My turn,“ Dean says.

I ignore the jump my heart performs as the bottle points to Malfoy. The Slytherin seems to pale a little. He hesitates, then says:

„Dare.“

„Hm, alright... Considering what I just had to do...“

I'm not sure if the others notice it too, but the expression on Malfoy's face is downright panicked. Dean notices, because he pauses.

„Twerk on the table. For at least a minute,“ he says and I can see Malfoy dying inside.

„I can't twerk,“ he says.

„I doubt any of us can.“

„I can,“ Parkinson says proudly.

„I'm really not drunk enough for this.“

Dean lifts his brows.

„Come on, Malfoy. I wasn't really drunk enough for licking Terry's face either.“

I catch Hermoine's gaze.

„You twerk and we have to sing,“ Hermoine says, smiling at him.

„Or you can eat off Harry's face, if that would be better,“ Dean says, smirking.

Malfoy closes his eyes for a moment.

„Alright, I'll twerk. Or try to.“

Malfoy was right – he can't twerk. But he's doing better than I did one drunken night with Ron and Hermoine and with us all trying to sing this old muggle song, _Low_ , it's less embarrassing for him. In the end, we all crack up and Malfoy drops into his seat, redder than I've ever seen him.

„High five, man.“

Terry holds out his hand and Malfoy high fives him without meeting his eyes.

„I'm going to put this one in a Pensive and look at it whenever I feel sad,“ Parkinson says almost dreamily.

„I hate you,“ Malfoy says and she laughs.

„Get your revenge, Malfoy,“ Ron says and Malfoy spins the bottle.

We play for a little longer, but when Parkinson asks Ron to snog me and Ron refuses to, we all agree that it's time to go home. I'm tipsy, but not pissed, and relish the warm feeling in my body that isn't just because of the liquor.

„Nice twerking, Malfoy,“ I say as the Slytherin falls in step next to me.

„Mention it one more time, Potter, and I'll kick your arse.“

I laugh.

„It wasn't that bad. Bad, but not that bad.“

Malfoy rolls his eyes, cheeks pink again.  
Parkinson bumps into Malfoy and links arms with him.

„Could've been a worse dare though.“

She's clearly more drunk than we are.

„Probably,“ Malfoy says, clearly indicating he doesn't want to continue this conversation.

„I mean, imagine having your first kiss not only at twenty-one, but also during Truth or Dare.“

She laughs and I stare at Malfoy and then she suddenly stops laughing.

„Oh. Oh, sorry. Shit. I was joking.“

I look between the two of them. Malfoy has closed his eyes. I can almost see him counting internally, praying he might disappear.

„Sorry.“

Parkinson sounds really sheepish now.

„I'm drunk,“ she says softly. „Sorry, Draco.“

„I break up with you,“ he says flatly.

Parkinson stumbles into his side.

„I could obliviate him,“ she says, jerkily nodding at me.

„As if I'd let your wand near me, Parkinson. I've seen you on the matt,“ I say lightly, hoping to diffuse some of the tension.

I know it's none of my business, none at all, but I suddenly want to shower Malfoy with questions. How the hell is it possible that he's never kissed anyone? Is that really true?

We don't talk about it until Malfoy and I are both back in our room, already changed. In the end, curiosity gets the best of me.

„Malfoy?“

I can't really see him – we're both staring at the ceiling – but I can almost feel him bracing himself.

„Is that true? Have you really never kissed anyone?“

There is a long pause.

„It's true. And I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your friends.“

„I won't.“

A short pause.

„Why not?“ I ask, unable to stop myself.

Another long silence.

„There is no particular reason. I just... I'm gay, I think Pansy already insinuated that much, and I wasn't out in Hogwarts. My parents would have never approved.“

„Okay, I get that.“

My heart is thundering in my chest. I shouldn't care about Malfoy being gay. I shouldn't picture him with another man. I don't know why I do it anyway. And why it makes me feel hot all over.

„But what about after Hogwarts?“

I think I can hear him swallow.

„It's not easy for me to trust people, Potter. And I don't really understand how so many people have sex with strangers. I don't think I could ever do that. I would feel way too vulnerable.“

My heart is still racing for some reason.

„No, I get that. I mean, I have only slept with one person as well, so... yeah. I don't think I'm one for one-offs either.“

We're both quiet.

„But you're not asexual, right?“ I ask.

I think he's chuckling a little.

„No, I'm not.“

„Okay.“

„Anything else?“ 

His voice sounds almost... fond. I feel myself blushing in the dark.

„Not right now. Maybe tomorrow.“

I'm smiling, glad he can't see me.

„I'll be waiting,“ he says and I think I'm falling asleep with the smile still on my face.


	3. Chapter 3

It's only when Granger throws up on the mat while duelling me that we all notice something's wrong. Pansy had already told me she was a little concerned about Granger feeling sick so often, but I didn't think too much of it. Granger is certainly very capable of taking care of herself. 

„Is she sick?“ Potter asks Weasley as the rest of us goes to lunch, while Pansy accompanies Granger to her room.

„I don't know. She was feeling a little nauseous lately.“

„I hope it's nothing serious,“ Terry says, brows drawn in concern.

We eat together in the cafeteria like most days, but I think we're all feeling a little listless. The first serious heap of exam is coming our way and no one feels prepared. The classes seem to get harder by the day and while I have always felt confident I'll be able to if not ace, at least pass all of my exams, I'm not so sure anymore.

After the last class of the day, we retreat to the common room and I snatch an armchair, glad that Pansy hasn't already claimed it. She's still with Granger, apparently.

„I'll go check on them,“ Weasley eventually says.

As he enters Granger's room, Pansy joins us. She seems pensive and a little exhausted.

„Is she alright?“ Potter asks her.

„She will be.“

„What -“

„Don't ask me. Talk to her. When Weasley comes back, that is.“

It's obvious that Potter doesn't like this suggestion, but he nods anyway. Pansy claims the far end of the sofa next to Boot and opens her books with a sigh.  
I'm deep in my studies when someone says:

„Draco?“

I look up. It wasn't Pansy's voice and not Blaise's either. It was...

Potter looks at me, biting his lip.

„Um, yes?“

I try to look competely indifferent at the use of my given name, but I don't think I really manage.

„Could you – do you think you could help me with this text about Scrofungulus? I've read it three times now and I don't really get it.“

I can feel everyone else's gaze on us, but I just nod.

„Sure.“

Potter – Harry, I guess? - slides from the couch and sits down next to my armchair. It feels ridiculous, so I join him on the carpet. Our knees bump together as I wiggle into sitting cross legged. 

„Okay, so – maybe let's start with what you already know? So that I won't bore you.“

Working with Potter is easier than I thought. I quickly notice that he's someone who learns new things way better when he's shown them or they're at least verbally explained. He doesn't like learning by reading that much and I give my best to find descriptive examples – while whispering as to not disturb the others.

I'm so caught up in our little study session that I actually startle when Granger and Weasley enter the room. Something is clearly wrong – something close to worry is written on their faces. Harry notices it too, of course. He perks up and glances at them.

„Everything alright?“

The couple exchanges a glance.

„Actually, we'd like to talk to you. Alone?“

I have honestly no idea what to expect when I follow the two of them into Hermoine's room. We sit down on her bed, all cross legged and I have a very, very bad feeling about this.

„What's going on?“

Hermoine swallows. Ron takes her hand and squeezes.

„I'm pregnant,“ she says.

It takes a moment for my brain to process her words. 

„Oh – um, wow.“

I have no idea what the appropriate reaction to these news is.

„Congratulations?“

Hermoine huffs out a breath that's dangerously close to a sob.

„Not really, mate,“ Rons says.

„Okay, then shit. How did it happen? Did you forget the spells?“

Ron's jaw clenches. Hermoine blinks a couple times, then nods.

„I assume we've forgotten to renew them one time. They must have worn off already.“

„How far are you?“ I ask her.

„Six weeks. Which means... which means we don't have that much time to decide what we're going to do.“

The termination of pregnancy is frowned upon in the wizarding world by a couple of people. I think it has something to do with how much wizards and witches value magical children – which might not be an entirely good thing, but that's how it is. Nonetheless, very like in the Muggle world, abortions can be had up until three months or so, I think.

„Okay. So... tell me what you guys are thinking?“

Hermine and Ron look at each other.

„I don't even know what I'm thinking,“ Ron says. „I'm still in shock, I guess.“

I look at Hermoine. She inhales shakily.

„I don't know, Harry. Do I want a child right now? No, of course I don't. I wasn't planning on having any before thirty. I wanted to work first, you know that. But... I'm just not sure I can have an abortion, either. I mean, I think it is perfectly fine and respectable for a woman to make that decision – I'm just not sure I can do it.“

I understand what she means. I've had a conversation about abortions with Ginny once and she had said bluntly that if she got pregnant before the age of twenty-five, she'd terminate the pregnancy – but her mother could never know about that. She's a fierce opponent of abortions.

I didn't say anything against it, because I know very well that it's her choice, not mine and I do think, just as Hermoine said, that it's perfectly okay if a woman makes that choice. Nevertheless, after that conversation, I always cast all the protection spells twice. I never wanted to be in the position Ron and Hermoine are in right now.

„The only thing I can really say is that I'll support you guys with whatever you decide.“

Hermoine gives me a watery smile – then bursts into tears. Ron drapes an arm around her and squeezes, pain clear on his face.

„I just feel like it's a decision I can't make,“ she croaks out.

„We'll make it together, love. You're not alone,“ Ron says and I have to look away.

Completely, utterly inappropriately, I feel a pang of envy. Whenever I see Ron and Hermoine like that, I can't help but feel that what Ginny and I have doesn't compare.

I push those selfish thoughts out of my mind and focus on my best friends.

„I'm here for you. I'll help you as best as I can.“

Hermoine squeezes my hand.

„Thank you, Harry. But I wouldn't ever want you to sacrifice anything because of a mistake we made. I know you'd want to help as much and more as you can, but... you're not giving anything up because of us. We've made a mistake. Now we have to deal with the consequenses.“

Ron looks at Hermoine.

„I always wanted children. You know that. And I wouldn't have minded to have them early. Maybe not at twenty-one, but, like, twenty-five would have been fine. So... yeah.“

Hermoine presses her lips together, but nods.

„I know, Ron. I know.“

„But it really is your decision. Whatever you want,“ he hastily adds.

„We're here for you,“ I say once again because I don't know what else to say.

Hermoine nods, but doesn't say any more.

„Do you want to tell the others?“ I ask them. „Or wait a little longer.“

„It would actually be nice if you could tell them if they ask. I don't really... want to make an announcement or anything like that,“ Hermoine says. „I've told Pansy the

same, so they probably know already now. I just wanted to tell you in person.“

„Is it true?“ Draco asks me. 

I stand with my back to him, changing into my pajamas. I pull my shirt down and turn around, sitting on my bed.

„Yeah. They're pregnant.“

„Wow.“

Draco looks at me, clearly searching for the right thing to say.

„Have they decided on what to do yet?“

„No. It feels like Ron would rather keep it and Hermoine rather not. But she also doesn't really want to abort, so... it's difficult.“

„I can imagine,“ Draco says, voice full of empathy. „I mean, probably not really, since that fear is very... abstract for me, for multiple reasons. But I know that Pansy used to be scared of getting pregnant by accident.“

I nod slowly.

„I don't know what I'd do, honestly. Well, I mean, I do. Ginny wouldn't want to have the child, she already told me. But if it was up to me.“

„You'd keep it,“ Draco says.

I stare at him.

„How do you know?“

He shrugs lightly.

„It's just the thing you would do. You have very strong principles and I think you'd view it as a risk you've taken willingly and now you have to go through with it. You don't do things halfway.“

I blink at him. I wasn't aware he knows me so well.

„Not to say I'm against abortions,“ Draco adds, apparently misinterpreting my silence.

„No, I get it. And I think you're right. Just, you know. It wouldn't be my decision to make.

„I always found that a little bit unfair,“ Draco muses. „In the end, it's half yours too.“

I take my time to think about.

„Yes and it's a little frustrating, but I think it's okay. Because it's true – if it comes down to it, the guy can always leave. The girl can't. And it's also her body that has to carry the child. So I think it's okay if for once, the woman has a privilege the man doesn't.“

„If you say it like that, I have to agree.“

We're both silent for a while, lost in our own thoughts.

„Do you think you know what they'll do in the end?“ Draco asks.

I cross my arms behind my head.

„No, I honestly don't. The thing is just – I don't think it'd be possible for them to complete their training with a child to care for. At least not both of them. So... I really don't know. Their jobs mean a lot to them.“

„I know,“ he says and I assume he truly does. 

„How did it go?“ Harry asks me, quickly catching up.

We've just taken our last exam for this term, at least. I honestly couldn't be more ready for a break.

„Well enough, I think. Even though I'm pretty sure I've made a mistake in my reasoning for the last question about vampires. But if it's just that, I'm happy.“

„Sounds like you aced it. I really hope I passed.“

„I'm sure you did. You were good when we studied.“

He tilts his head and rolls his shoulder, probably to get a kink out. I have it half in mind to offer him a massage, but of course, I don't.

„I hope I did. But there was one question where I didn't write anything. I mean, I know nothing about centaur rights, apparently. I didn't even know they had any special rights. I thought they were just... you know, categorized as Beings and that's it.“

„Not quite.“

Harry smiles and rolls his eyes.

„Yeah, I know that now too.“

„Man, I'm so glad it's over.“

Weasley catches up to us and I try my very best not to show my disgruntlement. I'd have rather continued to talk to Harry alone, but well. 

Blaise falls into step next to me, clearly annoyed.

„I think I made a mistake in question three. I confused the paragraph about creatures with the one about the exceptions that are neither creatures nor Beings.“

Harry and I exchange a brief look.

„You're like Hermoine,“ he says, crooking a smile.

„I'm so absolutely ready for some booze, you guys have no idea,“ Pansy says dramatically, squeezing between Blaise and I, threading our fingers together.

„Oh yeah, about that... is it okay if Ginny joins us? We kind of had a date, but I don't want to miss tonight, so...“

I make sure my impassive mask is perfectly in place. It shouldn't be a problem for me at all that Ginny is joining us. Anything else would be self-destructive madness.

„I'm not going to say no, Potter,“ Pansy says and I think we're both surprised that it sounds like she actually doesn't really want Ginny to come.

„Okay, um, good.“

We eat some sandwiches in our kitchen before we head out together to our new favorite bar downtown.

The whole way, I try to prepare myself for what is to come. Even though I know very well that Harry has a girlfriend, it's sometimes easy to forget. She's never around and he hardly talks about her either. But she very much exists and in a few minutes, I'll be able to see that for myself. It's probably good for me. My feelings toward Harry are starting to head in dangerous directions. I know I need to get a grip on myself before I do something I'll deeply regret.

„I so need a drink,“ Pansy says, linking her arms with mine and I smile at her.

„Me too.“

Ginny is waiting in front of the bar. She looks a little more grown-up than she did in my mind – rather short, but athletic. Strong. Her long hair is the trademark Weasley-red and her face is full of freckles.

„Hey, babe.“

She grins at Harry and wraps her arms around his neck. The kiss they share is brief, hardly more than a peck, but my stomach feels like a huge knot, pressing against my lungs.

I'm being ridiculous. Harry is taken, he's straight and he's the Chosen One. There is literally no one in the world that is less an option than him. My body really needs to understand that.

But looking at them and having to admit that they make a really cute couple almost brings me to tears.

„Let's go in. I'm freezing,“ Terry says and we follow him inside.

It's rather early, but already kind of crammed. It's one of these bars that could easily pass as a club because the dancefloor is almost as large as the area with tables.

„First round's on me!“ Weasley says and we're all getting a seat.

I end up next to Harry, Ginny on his other side, and part of me wonders if you can actually die from awkwardness.

„How was your exam?“ Ginny asks.

I wonder how well the others know her and she them. Obviously, Weasley and Granger know her well, but I'm not sure about the others. Thomas refuses to really look at her, which leads me to the assumption that he knows her well too – there must be some kind of history. Only Boot eyes her rather curiously, as if he hadn't seen her and Harry together all that often, if ever.

„It was alright,“ Granger says, which means that she probably has a perfect score.

Considering everything that's going on in her life right now, that is beyond impressive. As far as I'm informed, she and Weasley still haven't made a decision on what they want to do about the baby and it's slowly getting really serious. If they wait another two weeks, the decision will have been made for them.

„Could have been better,“ Thomas admits.

„And you, Harry?“

Harry glances at me and seems to notice how close we're sitting, quickly looking away again.

„It wasn't a total disaster. But I'm not sure.“

„Cuba Libre for everyone, except my love,“ Weasley announces.

The Muggle drink has quickly become our new favourite – Blaise is the only one who keeps complaining on how it's too sweet, but he doesn't want to be the odd one out either, so he drinks it with us anyway. I really like it, but I hate that my mouth always feels like it's filled with cotton the next day.

The others start talking about the exam, but it's hard for me to concentrate with Harry so awfully close. I've already moved my leg away once, but then his shoulder bumped against mine and now I'm keeping my leg very still. He moves a little bit to the left, until our thighs and knees are touching. I pray he can't feel or hear my racing heartbeat. His touch is doing things to me that are entirely wrong, but feel oh so good. 

I wonder if he even notices we're touching.

It seems like everyone's getting drunk at double speed tonight, except for poor Granger, who's watching with envy written on her features, tugging on her bushy hair, one hand on her belly. You can't see anything yet, but maybe she feels it somehow.

„I want to dance. Let's go dancing!“ 

Boot is definitely pissed already, but he's always a fun kind of pissed.

„I'm so down.“

Pansy jumps up, glancing down at me.

„You coming, Draco?“

I shake my head.

„You go ahead.“

She doesn't seem in the mood to fight me on this one, because she follows Boot and Blaise to the dancefloor.

„Dance with me?“

Ginny is making puppy dog eyes at Harry and I hastily turn away. I need another drink.

„You know I can't dance, Ginny.“

„Come on. I promise I'll make you look good.“

„I'd really rather not.“

„Fine.“

Clearly pissed off, Harry's girlfriend gets up and stomps toward the dancefloor. 

„I want to go too, Ron,“ Hermoine suddenly says, tugging at his hand. 

Weasley blinks at her.

„You're lucky I'm sloshed,“ he says and follows her to the dancefloor.

„I'll be off too. There's a very pretty woman over there,“ Thomas announces and suddenly, Harry and I are alone at the table.

„You should really go dancing with her,“ I say.

He's still sitting terribly close to me, even though there is enough room now.

„I'm a horrible dancer. Honestly. And I hate it. She knows that.“

There is nothing I can think of to say that wouldn't come off wrong, so I just stay silent.

„Do you want another drink? I can buy.“

I study his face.

„Sure. Go ahead.“

I wonder if he just needs an excused to get away from me.

While he's gone, I watch the people on the dancefloor. I hate to admit it, but Ginny dances well. I'm not too bad myself, but she's moving with a confidence I could never muster. Seeing her rolling her hips in sensual movements makes me think of other situations in which she might be rolling her hips like that. I suddenly feel very inexperienced and inadequate. The thought of Harry and Ginny having sex shouldn't hurt me, but it does. Way, way too much.

I can see Thomas dancing with a short-haired girl in high boots, while Boot is grinding his arse against a tall man with broad shoulders. Not for the first time, I wonder how everyone does it. How it's possible that I'm the only one who can't seem to get there, isn't able to play the game. But whenever I've been out in clubs, I've only been approached by guys I found totally creepy and would have never considered to go home with. Even if they weren't creepy, I probably still wouldn't have gone home with them. I just don't understand how everyone is so very capable of going out and flirting and pulling someone and then taking them home to fuck each other's brains out.

„I don't really get it either.“

I startle as Harry puts another drink down in front of me.

„What don't you get?“

He nods toward the dancefloor.

„I assumed you were thinking about... Terry and Dean? Like, doing their usual Friday night routine?“

I nod, feeling a little self-conscious at him apparently being able to read me so easily.

„I just... I guess I envy them.“

Harry is once again sitting so close to me that my breath catches for a moment.

„I'm just always surprised by how easy it is for them,“ Harry says, taking a swig from his drink.

„Yes. Pansy always says sex doesn't have anything to do with intimacy for her, but I just... don't really understand how that's possible.“

I want to bite my tongue as soon as it's out.

„Not that I'd be waiting for marriage or anything like that. And I think it's great for people if they want to go out and have sex with a different person every weekend. I just – don't get how.“

Harry glances at me. In the flickering lights, his face seems a little purple, a nice contrast to his eyes.

„Me neither. But I guess it takes a little practice. Terry for example is only like this since he and his ex split up. He never went out to pull before that.“

„Pansy and Blaise always have,“ I say.

„And you never came with them?“

I shrug and drain half my drink. It would probably be smarter to take it slow now.

„I did. I still do. I just... usually end up like I did today.“

My face heats a little.

„And I really don't know why I'm telling you all this.“

I chug the rest of my drink.

„I'm pretty glad you ended up where you did today,“ Harry says and my stomach makes another flip.

Unable to stop myself, I lean a little closer, until we're touching everywhere, from shoulders to ankles. He doesn't move away. I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't, but I'm drunk and I'm lonely and he smells better than anyone I've ever known.

I look back to the dancefloor. A pretty fit guy is slowly making his way over to Ginny, clearly contemplating when the right time would be to make his move.

„I think your girlfriend is about to get hit on,“ I say, voice a little too loud.

Harry throws a glance in the direction I'm nodding in.

„She'll handle it.“

I'm somehow surprised.

„I always took you for the jealous type,“ I muse.

I can hear him swallowing.

„I am, usually. I really don't know...“

He trails off and I want to pry. I want him to say that things are off with Ginny. Why is he pressing his leg against mine with his girlfriend right there?

„Have you ever wanked thinking of a man?“

The words tumble out of my mouth without my consent, without my permission. Harry blinks at me, wide-eyed.

„No, I... don't think so. But – I usually don't picture anything or anyone when I wank.“

We're both blushing. I'm such an idiot. Now I'll never get the image of Harry wanking out of my head.

„And you?“ he asks me.

„I'm gay. So, yes. I have. Isn't it... boring without picturing anything?“

„Are you saying my wanking is boring?“

We stare at each other. For one second, I'm convinced he'll kiss me.

„Not necessarily.“

My voice is breathy. So horribly breathy.

He turns his head away and clears his throat. I feel like the biggest idiot that has ever lived and it's not a feeling I like very much or at all.

„Maybe we should go home. I think I had enough to drink,“ he says.

„Yes. Me too.“

I've had more than enough, obviously, if I'm already trying to kiss Harry. 

We're quick about our goodbyes. From how things are looking, neither Thomas nor Boot will be coming home tonight and I'm not so sure about Blaise and Pansy either. Ginny is, naturally, a little offended when Harry tells her he'll leave already.

„Honestly, Harry, I don't even care.“

She turns her back to him.

„Ginny, wait. I'll make it up to you, I promise.“

Now she is facing him again and I turn away, pretending to be deaf and blind, pretending not to exist. But I can't escape the feeling that someone just ripped my ribcage open and now I'm walking around with blood gushing all over my shirt, filling my lungs and drowning me.

„Draco, hey. Wait up.“

The Slytherin slows his steps, but doesn't turn around. I catch up to him, a little breathless and feeling like human trash. Ginny is completely right to be mad at me. We have so little time together and then when I get to see her, I don't even pay her much attention. I'm the worst and I don't know why I keep messing up.

„You shouldn't treat her like that,“ Draco says.

I can only see his profile – the narrow nose, the rather pointy chin. His lips capture my attention. How is it possible no one has ever kissed this fucking perfect mouth? 

I'm starting to feel hot again, despite the chilly air, and dread is pooling in my stomach.

„You're right.“

We don't talk on our way home and go to bed without saying anything either. I'm painfully aware of Draco as he undresses and the realization hits me like a punch to the gut. I'm aware of him undressing. I'm staring at his lips.

I have to stop.

I press my face into the pillow and try to calm myself. Try not to cry. I take a few breaths.

It's going to be okay. We'll all be on break soon and that will give me enough time to cool down and remember what a great girlfriend I have. Somewhat consoled, I'm starting to drift off. Just as I'm slipping under, the door opens and two people burst into the room.

Draco and I are jumping up, he's got his wand raised while I'm groping around for my glasses.

„Ron? Hermoine? What are you doing here?“

I'm blinking against the light that the two of them turned on and try to get a grip on reality. Draco curses and puts his wand away.

„We're keeping the baby!“

Ron's face is flushed and he is drunk and so happy, he looks like he'd be about to levitate. Hermoine next to him is rolling her eyes, but smiling as well. She sits down on the edge of the bed and pushes her hair back.

„Wow, congratulations!“

I smile, confused but happy because they're so obviously happy and – Merlin, they're keeping the baby.

„Congrats, Granger. Weasley.“

Draco nods at them from his bed and Hermoine beams at him too.

„Thank you.“

She turns back to me and Ron drops on my bed as well, making the wood creak.

„We don't have a plan yet. No idea how we'll do it, but we're going to,“ Hermoine says.

While she is clearly panicking faced with the lack of a plan and the uncertainty of it all, she also looks... brighter than I've seen her in weeks. 

She always wanted this baby, right since she first found out.

„I'm so happy for you guys,“ I say.

„Thank you, Harry. And there's something else too...“

Hermoine looks at Ron.

„We want to make you the godfather. I know that you already have a godson and Merlin, we're definitely not planning on making you responsible for this kid, but... you're our best mate. We love you and – we don't want anyone else for this,“ Ron says.

A tear or two are rolling down my cheeks and I pull both of them in a hug.

„Of course I'll be your child's godfather. I'm so honoured. Thank you, guys. I love you too.“

„Now you gotta hurry up with Gin, so our kids can still be friends,“ Ron says, grinning widely.

I can't keep my face from falling. I've always been embarrassingly easy to read.

„Ron!“ 

Hermoine swats her boyfriend and takes my hand.

„Don't listen to him. You have all the time in the world.“

The Gryffindors all go home for winter break to spend Christmas with family and friends. I'm thankful for it. Not seeing Harry for a week sounds like excatly what I need right now. It's time to burry this stupid infatuation for good.

„And then it was just us again,“ Pansy chirps, performing a pirouette in the common room before snuggling up to me on the sofa.

„I could do with some Gryffindor free days,“ I say, stretching my legs out.

„They can be a lot,“ Blaise agrees, sitting in one of the armchairs, one ankle propped on his thigh.

„That's an understatement,“ Pansy says wryly.

We spend our first free day being lazy – doing absolutely nothing but eating and lounging in the common room, just us three.

During the last years, these two have become my family. I've known them forever, obviously. Pansy and I met before we could even talk, our mothers glad to have a companion to gossip and pass the time while their husbands were working and they couldn't go out as much as they wanted to, having to tend to a baby. We got to know Blaise in Hogwarts and I'm not sure if I would have called us friends back then. Then again, I don't think I really was friends with anyone. I've had Crabbe and Goyle, but they clearly weren't friends. Pansy's and my relationship has been complicated all through Hogwarts – first, she had a crush on me, then I was being an arsehole and pushed her away in my fear and ignorance. I thought I had other things to take care of. Now I know how lucky I am that she forgave me for thtat time.  
While we've been close in Hogwarts already, I don't think any of us were nearly as tight as we are now. The time after the War, the fallout with our families and the hatred we – rightfully – recieved from the whole wizarding community forged a bond between us that I'd like to think unbreakable. We took care of each other when no one else would.

When Blaise started drinking too much, Pansy and I were there for him – we prodded until he gave in and went to therapy. In our first year of training in France, one of our fellow trainees started stalking Pansy and while the instructors tried to help, no one went out of their way to really put a stop to it. In the end, I broke into his dorm at night and put my wand to his throat, swearing on Merlin and Salazar that if he ever put his hands on her, if I ever caught him watching her undressing, I'd end him. I meant every word and he knew it. It was the only time since the War that I have ever threatened someone like this and actually planned to act on it. It could have cost me my career, but I got lucky. The guy was too afraid to report me and he stopped creeping after the incident.

„Let's go out tonight,“ Pansy says, her feet in my lap. „I really want to go dancing.“

Blaise and I share a look.

„I mean, I'd be down if Draco is,“ Blaise says.

I'm surprised to find that I actually want to go. Clubs usually make me nauseous, but alcohol seems like a great idea and maybe I'll get to that perfect spot where I can dance and move to the music without inhibitions.

Pansy takes her sweet time to get ready, so Blaise and I share a bottle of sparkling wine and take turns charming the ceiling into the nightsky above Montpollier.

„Ready, my darlings?“

Pansy grins at us. She's wearing a short, black dress that accentuates the curve of her hip and her long legs. With her dark eye make up and the glossy lips, I think she looks ready to kill.

Blaise's eyes are sweeping over her and I have to fight the childish urge to put my hands over his eyes. This is one of my worst nightmares. I know that it just proves how selfish I am once again, but I don't want Blaise and Pansy to start dating. Not at all. It would change our whole dynamic and I'd inevitably end up left out.

I don't want that. Not again.

„Seriously, Pans? A gay club?“

Blaise sighs.

„Yes. You're the minority, babe.“

I'm surprised as well. Usually, when Pansy goes out to pull, she prefers straight clubs because looking for a man to fuck and then throw out seems to be easier than if it's a girl.

„I don't want creepy men all over me tonight. Plus, we want Draco to have fun too, don't we?“

„Draco never has fun,“ Blaise states and ignores my pointed glare.

„I'm having plenty of fun,“ I say haughtily.

„With your right hand, maybe.“

He grins at me and drapes an arm around my shoulder.

„Sorry. But you're so easily riled up.“

I know that I am, even after all this time. Trying my best to be mature about this, I just roll my eyes and follow Pansy inside the club.

It takes me only two vodka sodas and three uncomfortable songs to finally loosen up. I'm dancing with Pansy and her movements are somehow hypnotic, pulling me along and under and it's easy to let myself go with it. Not something I do often, but tonight, I manage.

Blaise is sitting by the bar, trying to assess which of the girls around might appreciate being hit on. He doesn't like making a fool of himself and he hates when a girl he approaches is uncomfortable, seeing him, if not as a threat, at least as an unwanted interruption of her pleasant night. So he always takes his time assessing the situation first.

When Pansy finds a girk she likes enough to grind a little with, I feel a faint hint of nausea rising in my stomach. Boys like me usually aren't dancing alone for long in a gay club.

Not to sound conceded, but most men aren't that picky when it comes to finding someone to fuck and being blond and lean seems to be checking off enough boxes for a lot of guys.

I withstand two different pairs of hands before it all gets a little much and I retreat to the bar.

Sometimes I wonder what made me so different from all the other blokes around me, happily grinding against each other, exploring with hands and mouths and easy tongues. Whenever I look at them, I have this deep yearning in my chest – combined with a very particular heat deep in my belly. But even though I want this too, I can't seem to make myself go getting it.

Where is this fear coming from? Or maybe that's normal for sad virgins like I am? But I can't remember Blaise ever being like this. Not even Pansy. 

I mean, what am I scared of? I'm a wizard, for fuck's sake. Those are Muggles. If one of them tried to hurt me, I could hex him six ways to Sunday. I'm not in any actual danger.

„Rough night?“

I blink and turn around. The voice belongs to a bloke sitting next to me, a little older than I am, brown eyes sparkling. He's probably in his late twenties. His jaw is scruffy and his lashes impressively dense and dark.

„I've had worse,“ I say.

Just contemplating my numerous short-comings and trying my best not to pine over a straight boy that would never touch me even if he wasn't straight.

„Would you like a drink?“

I look him up and down. He's fit, no doubt. Normally, I'd say no anyway. But why should I? He's fit and he's interested and available and I'm so sick of myself.

„Sure.“

He grins and orders two whiskeys for us.

„Care to tell me your name, gorgeous?“

I wonder why they always say that. If they think that would impress me when it's so obviously said merely to charm me out of my pants.

„I'm Draco,“ I say. 

This is the best part – telling a Muggle my name and have him not even bat a lash.

„That's a very unique name.“

„Suits me, then.“

He laughs and I can feel his interest piquing. I've already noticed that I'm usually percieved like someone I'm not at all. I seem to give off a sort of slutty impression, or at least promiscuous. Like I'd have done all of this countless times already.

„I'm sure it does. I'm Jake, by the way.“

He shakes my hand and holds it a little too long. His skin is warm and I like that there is a certain roughness to his hands.

„I like your earring,“ I hear myself say. 

Maybe just because it's true. I really do like that earring. Jewelry on men can be dangerously hot.

„Thank you.“

He makes a show of giving me a once over.

„I like what I see as well.“

When he reaches out to trace one finger along my jaw, I don't stop him. He looks into my eyes, then his gaze drops to my lips and my heart kicks into overdrive, so quickly, it's painful. His lips find mine and suddenly, we're kissing and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just trying to mirror his movements and I guess it feels nice but if I'm honest, I don't feel that much at all.

He slips his tongue into my mouth and I try to go with it for a few moments, but as his hands are reaching for me, trying to pull me closer, I have enough and draw away.

„I have to go find my friends,“ I tell the bloke that will never know he was my first kiss.

„Are you sure you don't want to stay a little longer?“

His fingers curl around my wrist and stroke up and down. I pull my arm away.

„I'm sure. Sorry.“

Pansy isn't exactly pleased as I drag her away from her pretty toy for the night, but she also doesn't complain.

„What about Blaise?“ she asks as we exit the club, step out into the biting cold.

„He looked busy.“

„I was kind of busy too, Draco.“

„I know, but – can we talk?“

She seems to sense the urgency in my voice.

„Sure. Let's get home and eat something. I'm starving.“

I don't say anything until we're back on our sofa, sharing some chips we got on the way and drinking hot chocolate.

„Okay, darling. What is it?“

I take a deep breath.

„What was your first kiss like?“

Pansy arches a brow.

„It was with Theo in Fifth Year, at the lake. But I told you that already.“

„No, I mean... what did it feel like?“

She seems surprised.

„Do you want to tell me something?“

„You first.“

She frowns.

„Okay, well... it felt good. It wasn't a great kiss, but it also wasn't my worst. For a first kiss, I'd say it was better than average.“

„So first kisses can be horrible?“

„Draco, did you kiss someone?“

„Yes.“

She shrieks.

„Oh Salazar, finally!“

With a grin, she takes a sip from her hot chocolate, some of it smearing on her upper lip.

„But it wasn't good?“

„Not really. I mean, it wasn't really bad. But, no. It wasn't good. I wouldn't want to kiss him again.“

„Okay.“

I swallow thickly.

„Is there something wrong with me, Pansy? I mean, this isn't normal. Is it?“

„There is no normal, darling. I thought we covered this already.“

She reaches out and brushes my hair back, pushes the blond strands behind my ears.

„If you don't want to have sex, Draco, no one will judge you for that choice. Well, some people will, but pay them no mind like you always do.“

„But I don't think I'm ace,“ I say.

Pansy and I had a friend in France who was asexual – the first time I heard about that term. But even though I know that's a thing and not a bad one, it doesn't feel like me. I don't think I don't want sex. I'm just... picky, maybe. I don't know what's wrong.

„Then maybe... have you ever heard about demisexuality?“

I frown. The word seems familiar, but I don't know what it means.

„Not really.“

„It basically means that you only experience sexual attraction with someone you have an emotional connection with.“

„So you only want to sleep with people you're in love with?“

„Maybe not necessarily in love, but people you care about and know well. Like everything, it's a spectrum. And to me, all those labels are a little confusing. Sometimes I wonder if they're necessary. I mean, when does someone stop simply not being into one-offs and start classifying as demisexual? But if some people like using those labels, that's cool with me.“

„So you think I might be demisexual.“

She stretches out her legs and puts her feet in my lap.

„I'm just telling you about all the different sexualities out there and that different people experience sexual attraction under different circumstances and with different people or not at all. You're not weird if you don't want to go home with some bloke you just met. And you're also not weird if you don't enjoy kissing a random guy, even if you think he's attractive. Thinking someone's attractive doesn't mean you're necessarily attracted to them.“

I lean back against the sofa and drain my hot chocolate.

„I'm really not sure if I found that helpful or simply more confusing,“ I say and Pansy just grins at me.

But the longer I think about it, the more sure I am that I actually found it helpful. Pansy is right – it's not crazy, not wanting to jump everyone. It's not crazy if I'm not into being that vulnerable with a stranger. And maybe that will change after I've had sex a couple times or maybe it won't. What matters right now is that there is no reason why I should pretend to be someone I'm not. In the end, I know I would feel more pathetic if I forced myself to have sex with someone just to finally get it over with, but not at all because I really wanted it.

Unbidden, thoughts of Harry flicker through my mind. I'm almost certain that kissing Harry would feel very different than kissing this Jake bloke.  
But those thoughts are stupid and dangerous. I can't pick Harry out of all people to be sexually attracted to. He's off-limits.

„Something else on your mind?“ Pansy asks, reaching for another handful of chips.

For a moment, I consider telling her about my confusing, horrible feelings toward Harry. But I don't really want to talk about it right now. Afterall, I wanted to work on forgetting it.

„Not really.“

I fish for some chips myself.

„Do you think you'll go back to Montpellier after this?“ Pansy asks.

I look at the chips in my hand, my fingers salty and slick with grease.

„I'm not sure. Probably. My career chances will be better there than they are here. What about you?“

I think it's a topic the three of us have deliberately avoided talking about up until now. Maybe that's because we all sense that Blaise would really like to stay here, while I can't see a future for myself in Britain – not really. I don't know about Pansy. But just the thought of not living in the same country as my friends is scary for all of us.

„I don't know yet. I kind of miss France, but... it's never really been home. But you're right, we wouldn't have to battle nearly as many prejudices there as we have to in London. I'm really not sure.“

„What about Blaise?“ I ask.

Our eyes meet.

„Blaise will want to stay,“ she says and I nod along before she's even finished.

I think we've both known this all along. It's a little weird – the only one of us who actually has family in France, if not Montpellier (the Zabinis own a beatiful flat in Paris that probably costs as much as the Manor), never felt at home. He spoke the language and was familiar with the quirks of the French, yet Blaise always missed Britain. While Pansy and I grabbed the opportunity with both hands, trying to learn French as fast as possible, spending hours and hours wandering through Montpellier as if we wanted to map out the city, Blaise spent quite many afternoons in his dorm, brooding and homesick.

I always thought the reason for that might be that Blaise has never faced the kind of hatred I have. His family was neutral during the War and while the Gryffindors still might not be his biggest fan, his name isn't hissed in the streets. No one knows his face.

Suddenly, I'm overcome by a surge of exhaustion.

„I'm knackered,“ I say. „I think I'll head to bed.“

„Sure. I'll see you tomorrow, darling.“


	4. Chapter 4

Only my quick reflexes allow me to duck in time so not to be decapitated by a flying knife.

„George!“ Mrs. Weasley bellows.

George grimaces.

„Whoops. Sorry, Harry. Wasn't on purpose.“

„All good,“ I say, flashing the Weasley brother a grin, but still deciding to better leave the kitchen.

Whenever a feast is to be prepared, Mrs. Weasley goes a little bit crazy and I've learned that attempts at helping her in the kitchen don't tend to go very well. 

„Come with me.“

Ginny appears next to me, takes my hand and drags me up the stairs.

„Ron and Hermoine are out getting more firewhiskey,“ Ginny says, grinning. „Meaning, your room is empty.“

Unlike me, Ginny has never had a problem with fucking in her parents' house. To me, it always seems disrespectful, even though I know it isn't really. Ginny is a grown woman who makes her own decisions and it's not like her parents wouldn't know that we're having sex. But the horror of someone of her family walking in on us has always creeped me out a little.

„We'll lock the door, Harry. Don't worry.“

I try to shake the strange reluctance gnawing at my stomach and follow her inside the room. Ginny is all over me in a breath and I try to match her pace, try being as enthusiastic as she is. I should be. It's been weeks and my wanking time has been cut short by having Draco as a roommate and I should really want this right now. I bet now that I'm gone, Draco will use the vacated room for his own benefits. Maybe he's wanking right now, sprawled out on his bed, hand working furiously...

„Finally. Come on.“

I blink and try to focus on the beautiful woman currently undressing for me, dragging me to the bed.

„Is it okay if I ride you tonight?“ she asks me when we're both naked.

„Sure.“

I know how much Ginny loves being on top. Being in control gets her going like little else and I try to give her that as often as possible.

I stroke her thighs and watch her as she sinks down on my cock. It's one of the best feelings in the world, but right now – Ginny is right here, beautiful in all her naked glory, yet I have the horrible urge to close my eyes.

To picture somebody else.

„You alright?“

„Yeah, sure.“

I grab her hips and she grins, starting to move with sensual rolls of her hips.

Ginny is powerful, always has been, with toned muscles and strong thighs. Her chest is pretty flat, freckled and pale and when we first started having sex, I was so mesmerized by the jiggle of her breasts as she moved up and down like this. I don't know why I can't look at her anymore like I used to.

She sets a fast pace, moaning, one hand pressed against my sternum and it feels good, of course it does, but I find myself closing my eyes anyway. I know she'll touch herself soon and I always loved watching that. Ginny isn't really into putting on a show for me, so this is one of the rare opportunities I get to see her sliding a hand between her legs. But I can't quite look at her.

When she comes, she does so on a sweet moan and I stroke her thighs as she trembles.

She eases herself off me and slides down, between my legs.

„You don't have to.“

I know she isn't a fan of giving me head. It's something she only does for me, a gift, but I'm not sure I can enjoy it right now.

It turns out I'm perfectly able to come from her mouth anyway, arching off the bed and letting out a quiet moan.

She crawls up my body, lying down next to me.

„What is the matter, Harry?“

Her voice is tired. Sad.

I reach out and pet her soft hair that always smells like flowers.

„I'm sorry. It's just... the time of the year, you know.“

She frowns a little, but nods.

This is the fourth Christmas without Fred. The first two were absolutely horrible. Mrs. Weasley had been crying all the time and George had left before dinner, not able to stand any of us any longer. Last year was better. There were still tears, but George had stayed and Mrs. Weasley had smiled as Bill and Fleur handed her little Victoire.

„I know,“ Ginny says and rests her head on my chest. „It's not easy for me either.“

But unlike me, Ginny handles grief by distracting herself, being active. By doing something. I sometimes can't pretend I'm not affected and have to be alone for a while.

I know though that I've lied. I don't think my distraction has anything to do with Fred, or at least not much.

Maybe I should tell her that I think I might – might – be a little bit attracted to men. Just so she knows what has me confused. But am I really? I've never been attracted to a guy before, have I? I think back, think about my first crush on Cho. I think about how I was blown away by how bloody attractive Cedric was. I think about watching Oliver in the changing rooms, the muscles of his back rippling as he pulled a fresh shirt over his head.

My heartbeat is kicking and Ginny looks at me.

„Baby, is everything okay?“

I don't want to tell her. Not now at least. Not when everything is so blurry and new and weird.

„Yeah. I think it's just all a little stressful right now.“

I press a kiss into her hair, breathing in deeply.

I have to be careful that those strange feelings stumbling in my chest won't lead me to throwing away a good thing.

The door to our floor opens, steps approaching the common room.

„I'm not naming my child after a Quidditch player, Ronald. No way in hell.“

Pansy and I exchange a look. I take a deep breath.

After a week of being lazy with my two best friends and having some time to sort out my emotions, I feel... maybe not quite ready, but at least vaguely okay with the proespect of seeing Harry again. Harry, who has just spent Christmas with his surrogate family that hates me, sleeping with his Hogwarts sweetheart, who is a girl, because Harry is straight.

Having a crush on him would be stupid, and I'm not a stupid boy. Not anymore.

„Okay, well. What ideas do you got?“ Weasley asks.

„I don't know yet. I want something... simple, but pretty.“

„That doesn't sound like you at all. Ouch!“

„No violence, please,“ Harry says and his voice alone makes my heart pump.

The three Gryffindors enter the common room and smile at us.

My eyes are glued to Harry and my body is adrift, floating through air. 

Well, alright. Maybe I can't control if I have a crush on Harry or not. I'll just have to make sure not to act on it. So that we can still be friends (or whatever the hell it is we are).

„Hey, guys,“ Granger says, smiling at us.

Blaise gets up and returns her smile.

„How was your Christmas?“

The Golden Trio claims the armchairs while Blaise sits back down, joining Pansy and me on the sofa.

„It was pretty nice,“ Weasley says. „And yours?“

I think everyone is still impressed with how hard Weasley is trying. We all remember vividly how it was when he first lay eyes on us.

„Quiet,“ Pansy says, exchanging a look with me. „We've been here, celebrating together.“

Harry's eyes show his surprise.

„Didn't you want to visit your family?“

An awkward silence follows.

Blaise breaks it.

„My family has returned to France after the War. They live in Paris now.“

„My father is in Azkaban and my mother doesn't talk to me, so – I figured I wasn't welcome for exchanging gifts and sharing eggnog,“ I say, aware my tone is chilly.

Harry looks like he wants to kick himself.

„My family and I have our differences as well,“ Pansy says. „I figured it might be better to keep my distance.“

„I'm really sorry about that,“ Granger says, appearing abashed.

„Me too.“

Harry clearly wishes he had never asked.

„It's fine. We had a lot of fun. Didn't we, Draco?“

We all exchange grins. Getting drunk at home with Blaise and Pansy is indeed always fun.

„Hey.“

I startle a little, but it's just Harry, joining me in the kitchen.

„I was just making coffee. Do you want some?“

„That would be great, thanks.“

He waits for me to give him a cup, then he asks:

„Why aren't you talking to your mother?“

I want to snap at him that it's none of his business, but his green eyes catch me off-guard, as they always do. Harry has this way of asking me things that would normally offend me, but doing it in a way that makes me want to spill my guts, lay myself bare for his eyes to judge.

It's a heady, dangerous feeling.

„My father went to Azkaban more or less directly after the trials, but he did somehow have the time to find out that I'm gay before he made his exit. He... wasn't pleased. My mother, despite that I know she adored me, has always loved my father first and isn't ready to forgive me for my sins yet either.“

„Your sins? I thought you never -“

„That's not the point, Potter,“ I say sharply.

He blushes.

„Sorry. You're right.“

„The point is, I didn't say sorry. I didn't promise them to be better – meaning pretending to be straight and getting a wife and all that. My mother doesn't know how to handle that, so she decided not to handle it at all.“

„I'm really sorry about that.“

I look away and shrug.

„It's fine. I expected nothing else.“

„It still sucks though.“

I shrug again and take a sip from my coffee.

„I got to see my godson over the break,“ Harry says after a slightly uncomfortable quiet.

„That sounds nice. How old is he know?“

„Almost four now. He's a real piece of work, but such a sweet one. Andromeda adores him.“

I swallow. Andromeda Tonks is my aunt, but I haven't seen her ages. When she married her husband, the Blacks cut her off and as far as I know, my mother has never tried to contact her again.

But Harry's godson is techincally my cousin.

„You know, I was thinking... if you'd like to, I would be happy to introduce you to Teddy. You're family, afterall, and he doesn't have so much of that. I'm sure he'd be thrilled.“

I stare at Harry.

„Andromeda certainly hates me.“

„No, I don't think she does. For one, she's not a hateful person. And she doesn't even know you.“

„She knows of me. That is usually enough.“

As if anyone in their right mind would want me around their children.

Harry reaches out and touches my elbow. A trickle not unlike electricity is running up my arm. I swallow.

„I'm sure she'll love you once she gets to know you. I'll ask her, if that's okay with you.“

„Do what you must,“ I say.

He is still touching me and I have problems thinking when he does, so I pull my arm away.

„How is Ginny?“ I ask.

The name is cutting through me like a knife, but there is also some twisted sense of grim satisfaction bubbling in my chest as Harry flinches, just a little.  
This is not all in my head. I'm not completely crazy for wanting Harry. He might not be as infatuated with me as I am with him, but no one can tell me he doesn't feel any of this.

„She's fine. I mean, you know. Our schedules are insane, but – yeah.“

„Good.“

I give him a smile that I hope isn't as cool as it feels. When I turn back, intending to leave the kitchen, he takes my wrist.

„Draco, wait.“

I arch an eyebrow at him.

„Honestly, we're not that great. Ginny and I. I mean... look, I know, I shouldn't talk to you about this. It's not your crap and you probably have better things to do, but I can't really talk to Ron or Hermoine about it, because they're so close with Ginny themselves. It always feels weird.“

Part of me wants to get hysterical and tell Harry he can forget it. I'm not going to listen to his relationship problems. But he looks so desperate, so torn – I can't say no.

„What is the problem?“

„I don't know. That's the problem. It's all perfect, but it doesn't feel like it is. You know?“

„What does it feel like?“

He takes a deep breath.

„It feels like... we're not connecting the way we used to, but I don't know why. I think it's me, that I'm the problem, but I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what changed.“

I take my time with the answer. It's hard not to say the things I'd like to say. It's hard to pretend I wouldn't be hoping for them to break up.

„Maybe this is just a normal development. You have been together for a long time. I think it's inevitable that things are starting to cool down a bit. I mean, for Blaise, they tend to cool down when he's one month in, so... three years sounds like a good deal.“

Harry scrapes his sneaker over the floor.

„Could be. But it feels like more than that.“

„Maybe you simply need to make more time for each other.“

Harry takes a deep breath.

„I don't want to. And that's the problem.“

I study his face.

„Do you love her?“

„Yes. I do.“

„And are you in love with her?“

Our eyes meet.

„What does that even mean? Is anyone really still in love after such a long time?“

„I don't know. But I think in a good relationship, people are still happy with each other.“

With a groan, Harry runs a hand through his hair.

„Can I ask you something?“

I ignore how my heartbeat immediately speeds up.

„Yes.“

„How did you know you're gay?“

It takes me a moment to comprehend the question. The implications of him asking me that are going to my head like Gillyweed.

„I don't really know, Harry. I think deep down, I've always known. I managed to ignore and deny it until... until I started to really, you know.“

My cheeks are hot.

„To want, I guess. I just never wanted women in that way. I don't know. It was obvious to me, even though I hated myself for it. At the time. Now I don't anymore.“

Harry nods slowly. I don't think my answer has helped him much.

„Why are you asking me that?“

He swallows and his fingers grip the counter.

„I don't know. I'm just... confused about a lot of things, lately. I mean, I know I'm attracted to women. It's just...“

„You're wondering if you might be attracted to men as well?“

Harry coughs.

„I don't know.“

It's not an answer, but it also is. So he's questioning his sexuality. I want to ask him why now. What made him question it.

But I don't, of course. 

A steadily building headache throbbing right behind my forehead distracts me, makes it difficult to focus on the Disguises essay I'm supposed to be writing.

„Are you coming with us to the Burrow this weekend?“ Ron asks, his textbook long forgotten.

„Probably not. I'm not even half done with all the assignments for next week.“

I massage my temples, trying to will the ache away.

„I really think you should come, mate.“

I glance at Ron.

„Ron, I don't have time. Okay?“

Everyone is looking at me now. I ignore all of them, unpleasant heat on my skin. I know I'm being an arse, but I can't stop myself.

„Fine. But then you floo Gin and explain it to her. Because lately, she's complaining to me about your lazy arse and frankly, I'm sick of it.“

Ron's voice is sharp and I feel myself shrinking. Squirming in my seat, I nod at him.

„I'll floo her.“

„Is there something going on between you and Ginny?“ Terry asks hesitantly.

„Why would there be something going on?“

„I just feel like it's been a while you two have been out together, is all. And you seem pretty stressed lately.“

I'm stressed because I can't stop thinking about my past crushes and I fucking struggle coming to terms with the fact that it really does seem like I'm attracted to men. But that isn't even the worst part – the worst part would be that it is undeniably Draco who ignited those deeply burried desires of mine. Draco, the main object of those desires.

„Nah, it's just studying and stuff,“ I lie.

I'm almost sure everyone can see right through me. I avoid a pair of silver eyes like the plague.

Everyone goes back to their notes, low voices quizzing each other on Disguises and Law and Hexes, while I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.

I can't be attracted to Draco. I certainly can't like him. That would be so goddamn wrong, I don't even know where to start. We're from completely different planets and the press would never let me hear the end of it. He's probably not even staying in Britain.

And I have a girlfriend, Jesus Christ. I have a fierce, loving, beautiful girlfriend that is going to be my wife. 

I feel overheated and nauseous and when I leave the common room, no one asks me why. I hide out in my (and Draco's) room, trying to calm down.

When there is a tentative knock on the door, I pray it's not Draco.

„Can I come in?“

It's not. It's Hermoine.

„Yeah.“

She slips through the door and closes it behind her. She's starting to show, her shirt stretched a little tighter over her belly. I'm not sure if you'd immediately recognize that she's pregnant if you didn't know, but I can see it clearly.

We sit on my bed together and my gaze is drawn to Draco's across the room. It's embarrassing how often I've had to resist the urge to climb into his bed when he wasn't there, bury my nose in his pillow and breathe in his scent.

„Tell me what's going on. And don't say nothing, Harry. I know you.“

I look at my hands, playing with a loose thread on my jeans.

„Please don't tell anybody else. At least not yet, okay? Not even Ron.“

She only hesitates a moment.

„I promise.“

With a deep breath, I meet her gaze.

„I think I might be into men.“

Hermoine doesn't even blink.

„Alright. Do you mean, exclusively into men? Or into men as much as into women?“

„Um... the latter, I think.“

„Okay. Then does it affect your relationship with Ginny? Do you want to experiment? I obviously can't speak for her, but I could imagine she might be open to it, if you'd ask her.“

I have never even thought about this, that this might be a possibility. But it doesn't sound as alluring as it maybe should. 

„I'm not sure that's what I want. You know I'm pretty... old-fashioned when it comes to relationships. I like monogamy.“

„There are different ways to...“

She trails off as she sees my expression.

„Is it someone in particular? Are you having feelings for someone else?“

My heart is pounding in my chest, thudding with something very close to fear.

„Maybe.“

My voice is barely a whisper. I clear my throat and try again.

„I'm not sure if it's really... anything serious. But I'm attracted to someone. Someone in particular.“

Hermoine nods slowly. I know in what a horrible position I've just put her. She's not only my best friend, but also Ron's girlfriend and Ginny's friend. I couldn't even really blame her if she told them.

„I think you'll have to think about this very carefully. You need to gain clarity about what you're feeling and what it's worth.“

„I'm not planning to break up with Ginny, don't worry.“

Hermoine studies my face.

„Why not?“

„What?“

„Why don't you want to break up with her?“

I stare at her. And then I think I realize her point when the first answer popping into my head is because then Ron would hate me.

„Do you love her, Harry?“

„I do. But I'm not sure... how. It's just, I'm looking at you and Ron and then I compare it to Gin and I and something is missing.“

I've never said that out loud before.

„Are you sometimes attracted to people that aren't Ron?“ I ask her.

She frowns a little and puts a hand to her belly.

„I mean, that depends on how you define attracted. I do think that other people are attractive. And sometimes... I guess sometimes I think about thinking of sleeping with them. But I never really have an urge to do it, you know?“

I nod slowly.

„Do you like that person, Harry?“

„I don't know. I mean – yes. Maybe. But things between us wouldn't work out anyway.“

„Who is it?“

„I'd rather not say.“

We're quiet together, until Hermoine says: „If it comes down to it, you should think about if you really want to stay in a relationship with Ginny if it doesn't make you happy.“

„Ron would hate me.“

Hermoine shakes her head.

„He wouldn't. He'd be pissed for a week or so and then he'd get over it. And even if he wouldn't, Harry. You can't stay in a relationship because that is what Ron would want.“

„But I used to want it too. Ginny and I are so perfect together.“

„Are you? Why?“

I tillt my head.

„Because she's a Weasley and she's smart and strong and we've known each other forever. We'd have a good future together.“

„Only if you're happy. And what does a good future even mean? What do you want for your future, Harry?“

I open my mouth. Close it again.

What do I want? What are my dreams? I don't know.

„Take some time to think about it.“

I'm meeting Ginny in our favourite restaurant and I'm a bundle of raw nerves before we've even sat down. I listen to her talking about Quidditch and we make it to the main course until she drops her fork and says:

„Okay, Merlin. What's wrong?“

I stare at her, the girl I thought I would be marrying for years now.

„I think we have to break up.“

Deafening silence falls over the table.

„Why?“

„I don't think it's working anymore, Ginny. We're just... we never see each other and we don't make an effort.“

„You don't make an effort.“

I swallow.

„Yeah. I guess. I'm sorry, Ginny.“

My voice is thick. Her face is like brittle stone.

„So you're saying you just don't love me anymore.“

I wanted to find something else, something logical – something that wouldn't hurt as much. But in the end, that is what it comes down to.

„I'm sorry,“ I say again.

A tear rolls down Ginny's cheek. She wipes it away and bites down on her trembling lip.

„Is there someone else?“

I hesitate. The very least I owe her is honesty.

„Not really. But I have been thinking about someone else lately. Yes.“

For a moment, I think she'll hex me.

„Did you cheat on me?“

„No. No, Ginny. I wouldn't do that to you.“

She nods slowly, her gaze on her plate.

„Do I know her?“

„Ginny, they're not the reason why this isn't working. It wasn't, even before I started... wondering. This is just between you and I.“

„Okay. I think I'm going to leave now.“

My insides clench.

„Can we still be friends?“

She closes her eyes for a moment.

„I hope so, Harry. But I'll need some time and space right now. Don't owl me, please.“

I watch her go and bear the tearing in my chest.

Everyone looks up as Weasley stomps past us as if trying to break the floor.

„What's ruffled his feathers?“ Pansy asks, watching his back as he grabs a coat and heads outside without saying anything to anyone.

All eyes are on Harry as he enters the room, slouching and clearly upset.

„Did you guys have a fight?“

Terry's eyes are gleaming with curiosity and I almost tell him that it's not really any of his business.

Harry slumps in an armchair.

„I broke up with Ginny,“ he says, not looking at anyone.

My heart stutters in my chest and I can't tear my eyes away. He broke up with Ginny. 

Granger pats Harry's shoulder, then gets up.

„I'll go after him. Do some damage control.“

„Yeah, thanks.“

Harry's voice is flat.

„I'm sorry, man,“ Thomas says and he actually sounds sincere, even though I've learned by now that Ginny is his ex and it took him quite a while to get over Harry dating her.

„It's okay,“ Harry says and pulls a book toward him, clearly indicating he doesn't want to talk about it.

„Good job, Malfoy,“ Coach Gu says and I don't stifle my proud smile.

This might have been my best round yet and Pansy glares at me, panting on the floor. She's not really used to having the matt wiped with her arse.

„Sorry, Pans.“

I help her up, my grin indicating how very much I'm not sorry at all.

„You will be,“ she says, dusting her pants off.

I feel eyes on me and look over Pansy's shoulder.

Harry is staring at me and something in his green eyes sends a jolt through my heart. My blood is buzzing with adrenalin and heat is pooling in my belly.  
It's been a month since the break up – enough time for spring to bloom, classes to get harder and Weasley to calm down. He still doesn't seem happy about Harry dumping his sister, but he isn't giving him the silent treatment anymore either.

During those last four weeks, rooming with Harry has become the sweetest torture I've ever experienced (and I know a thing or two about torture). I don't know what's happened, but it's like my body is attuned to him, set to always register his presence, where exactly he's standing in the room. What he's doing and how many clothes he's wearing. When we don't talk and just fall into bed (seperately, of course), exhausted from the day, it's bearable. But whenever we do talk, it's a whole other thing entirely.

I don't know why, but whenever I talk to Harry, I find myself wanting to crawl into his brain and build a shack there so that I can listen to his thoughts, sift through all the things that make him tick. The desire to know him, to learn about him, has become so strong that it keeps me from falling asleep.

„Draco?“

I startle and turn around, almost spilling coffee all over myself. Hermoine is approaching me, standing next to me now in the kitchen. Her belly is so swollen that there is no hiding it any longer and I know she's freaking out about telling her parents.

„Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Do you have a cup for me?“

„Sure.“

I pour her some of my coffee. Harry and Hermoine are the only ones who really appreciate it. Everyone else has to dillute it with litres of milk.

„How's the baby?“ I ask her.

„Merry, it seems. She's been kicking me since I woke up.“

She rolls her eyes, but smiles nonetheless.

„I was thinking,“ she says. „I'm still looking for a name. It's so much harder than I thought.“

Since she recently discovered that it's girl, she's been even more set on finding a name. Harry and I've already joked about that this baby will end up with five middle names, if Hermoine keeps this up.

„Maybe you're overthinking this,“ I say gently. „You want her to earn her own name, right? Not wear someone else's.“

She blinks at me, her brown eyes wide.

„You're right.“

With a sigh, she takes a swig of her coffee.

„I just want something simple, but not too simple. And pretty, but not too sweet. Ron isn't helping at all. If he had his way, we'd name her Snitch.“

I can't stifle my laughter and she grins.

„What about Rose?“ I say.

Hermoine looks at me for a moment.

„That is actually... a good name,“

„It's like you said – pretty, but not too sweet. Simple, but not pedestrian.“

Her face breaks into a smile and before I know what's happening, she hugs me tight.

„You're not half bad, Draco. Do you know that?“

„Oh. Sorry, I didn't think you'd come back so early.“

Draco flinches a little and starts making room on the floor. He likes littering it with countless notes and open books. It helps him memorize things, he says.

„I wasn't really in the mood for dancing,“ I say and sit down to help him.

His hair is messier than usually, because he sometimes runs his hand through it when he's deep in thought. He's already wearing his night shirt – white and thin. If I look closely, I can make out the shape of his torso. Lean, but not weak.

„I bet Blaise has already charmed his way into some pretty woman's panties?“ he asks, crooking a smile and closing the last book.

„Last I checked, he at least seemed close.“

We smile at each other and as always, lately, my heart speeds up and I can feel the blood in my body rushing south.

„Pansy probably isn't coming home tonight, either. Mostly because Hermoine begged her not to. The hormones seem to be hitting now and she says she wants to wake up next to Ron once again.“

I roll my eyes, even though I think it's sweet. My best mates have the perfect relationship and while it mostly makes me happier than ever, I also sometimes hate them for it, just a little.

„I'm sure Pansy will be happy to oblige.“

„Can I ask you something?“

The look in Draco's eyes is apprehensive.

„Yes.“

„What is this tension between Parkinson and Zabini about? Most of the time, they're best buds, but sometimes... I don't know. They've had their eye on the same girl today and Parkinson almost threw a fit.“

Draco grimaces and collects the quills from the floor.

„Don't tell them I told you, but Blaise once made out with a girl Pansy was dating. She has never completely forgiven him for that.“

I bite my lip.

„I think I understand her. Things like that aren't cool.“

„I agree, but it is true that the girl was flirting with Blaise first. Though it's still not okay, obviously.“

I watch him putting his quills away.

„What were you working on?“ I ask him.

He shrugs.

„Just a bit of revision. I wasn't in the mood for going out tonight.“

I catch his gaze. His eyes are silver in the dim light, his skin so fair and his hair almost white. He really is an ice prince.

„What are you in the mood for?“

My voice is warm and even though I'm nervous, I'm not afraid. Not guilty.

Maybe that's why it is suddenly so easy. He leans forward and I lean in as well, brushing his hair back.

„I knew it'd be soft,“ I murmur and then he kisses me.

It's tame, so very careful when our lips first touch. My eyes are closed and Draco's lips are on mine and there is no where else I want to be right now.  
When I allow my tongue to flick out and tease his bottom lip, his lips part. Now the kiss is everything but tame.

The first touch of our tongues hits me like a shock and I groan a little, pulling him closer, opening my mouth wider. Needing more.

I push him back until I'm hovering over him, a littl awkwardly on all fours, my knees on either side of his hips, my mouth devouring him.

He makes sounds that go right to my cock and I can't remember the last time I've gotten this hard this quickly. Maybe when I was sixteen.

„Please don't kick me out for this dickhead line, but... do you maybe wanna move to the bed?“ I ask, panting a little. 

I'm carressing his face, the sharp line of his cheekbone.

„Yes,“ he says and we're scrambling to our feet, tumbling to his bed and collapsing there in a tangle of limbs.

My skin is hot and his is too, almost feverish. I want to rip his clothes off, to touch and grind and claim him – but I'm nervous too.

I've never been with a man before and Draco hasn't been with anyone at all.

What are we even doing?

„Don't stop because of me.“

Draco pulls my face down, until our foreheads touch. I can feel his erection pressing against my thigh and it sends my head spinning.

„I'm not. I just – I don't really know how to do this.“

I'm blushing a little.

„Let's figure it out together?“

I kiss him again, hungry and desperate and he moans, squirming under me. His hands are roaming over my back, then they start tugging on my shirt.

„Take this off,“ he says against my mouth and my heartrate spikes.

I pull the shirt over my head, trying not to feel self-conscious. My body has never been something I'm overly proud of.

Draco's hands start exploring my naked skin, curious and eager and just the faintest bit of timid and I'm so rock hard in my pants that I know I could come in record time.

„Your turn,“ I say, lips against his neck and together, we get his shirt off.

Draco looks like a vision. His skin is glowing in the dim light, his collarbone reminding me of wings. I lick it, then kiss his breastbone, my fingers flicking over his pink nipples.

He moans and his legs wrap around my waist, pulling me closer.

I don't even really think about what I'm doing. I'm grinding against him, licking over his skin. When I can feel him tense under me, I hold my breath. He comes soundlessly, his head thrown back, the arch of his throat graceful and dead sexy. I follow him over the edge, coming into my pants like a teenager.

Breathlessly, I roll off of him, laying next to him. Our sides are pressed together so that we both fit on the small bed.

„Fuck,“ I say, staring at the ceiling.

My skin is tingling, oversensitive.

I can feel Draco's eyes on me. His gaze is... wary, I think.

„Is that the part where you hate yourself and tell me this was a mistake?“

I look back at him. Lifting my hand to trace the shape of his mouth isn't easy, but I manage.

„No. Even though I probably should.“

„Okay. Good.“

„But let's not tell the others, okay?“

He rolls his eyes.

„I'm not stupid, Potter.“

I kiss him because it seems like I can't not kiss him.

„Never said you were.“


	5. Chapter 5

I should have known better than to start... doing whatever it is I'm doing with Harry. I should have known that, once I gave in, there would be no going back.  
I try to distract myself whenever we're not together, working twice as hard and indulging Pansy in the occasional shopping trip, but it's all futile.

I think about Harry all the time.

It's been two weeks since the first time and now we're going at it every night. Every single night, I find myself clawing at him, mouthing at his jaw, kissing his lips raw. Two days ago, he first took off his pants and I mine and now I know that I'll never be able to have sex again without thinking of Harry's hand stroking me, of Harry's cock rubbing against the inside of my thigh.

It was a bad idea from the start and I knew that perfectly well, but now it's too late. I decided to screw it, so now my sole goal is to get as much out of this as I can before it all ends in flames and I'll have to lick my wounds and try to piece my heart back together.

„Harry,“ I sigh, his hand exploring between my legs.

He sucks a love bite into my throat and I tilt my head to grant him better access.

His curious fingers slip lower than they usually do. The tip of his index is petting my hole and my jaw goes slack.

I have tried touching myself there before, but it's somehow different when he does it.

„Can I?“ he asks and I nod, breathlessly.

He murmurs something that I can't quite make out and suddenly, his finger is slick as it rubs over my entrance. I'm clenching instinctively, but he just keeps mouthing at my jaw, his free hand teasing my nipples, his finger petting me until I relax and he can push in.

We both moan at the sensation.

„So tight,“ he whispers, awe in his voice.

Heat is shooting through my belly, liquid desire spreading into my thighs.

I kiss him, messily, then he starts kissing his way lower, down my chest, over my heaving belly.

„I'll probably suck at this, but...“

I stop breathing when he puts his mouth on me, timid at first. The pressure of his hot tongue on the underside of my dick is almost enough to make me come.

It takes a moment, but he finds his rhythm, his finger twisting inside me, his mouth working the head of my cock. He crooks his finger and I shout.

„Merlin, what -“

I've never felt that before, I'm absolutely sure. This must have been my prostate, but – Merlin. I didn't know it could feel like that.

„Harry, please. Harry.“

He doubles his efforts and I tug at his hair as I can feel my orgasm approaching. He pulls off and starts licking along the shaft and that's when I come, over my own stomach, a little bit on his face.

I lie breathless on my back, empty hands reaching for Harry, pulling him up, against me. 

„Hi.“

He grins at me, pride and joy bright in his eyes, almost childlike. I manage a weak, wonderous laugh.

„Hi,“ I say back and he brushes his nose against mine.

„We're really good at this, aren't we?“

I map out the lines of his face with my fingers.

„I definitely think so. Do you?“

„Fuck, yeah.“

He kisses me and I kiss him back and suddenly, the awe and joy and headiness of it all turns into cold panic in my stomach.

„What's wrong?“ Harry asks, a worried crease between his brows.

I just shake my head.

I know I won't be able to let him go. This isn't just sex for me – of course it's not. I knew that before. But I wasn't aware how deep I'd be in, how fast. I can hardly breathe.

„Hey.“

Harry snakes an arm around my waist as I turn my back to him. He must be able to feel my erratic heartbeat.

„What's wrong, darling?“

He presses a kiss to my shoulder, tries to look into my face.

„You haven't told your friends, right?“

I can feel him hesitate.

„No. We agreed not to.“

„Right.“

My voice is bitter and I hate myself.

„Draco. What is it? Was it too much? Was I being pushy?“

„No.“

With a shock, I realize how close I am to crying. Harry must notice too, because he pulls me even closer and drops little butterfly kisses into my hair.

„Talk to me.“

„When are you going to leave?“ I blurt out.

He stills.

„What do you mean?“

„This is just casual, isn't it? So, for how long are we doing this? Until you found someone better? Until you're tired of fucking me?“

Every muscle in his body is tense.

„Draco, I don't know what you want me to say.“

My heart breaks. Just like that. Without I-love-yous exchanged. Without a cock up someone's arse. It just breaks right here, in his arms.

„Leave. You're not sleeping in my bed.“

„Draco, I...“

„We're just fucking. So go sleep in your own bed.“

He waits for what feels like eternity, but then he pulls his arm back. As he sits up and leaves my bed, I'm instantly shivering from the cold.

I've gotten very good at crying silently over the years and it's a skill that comes in handy now. Harry will never know how I cried my eyes out right across the room for him.

„It's not just fucking for me.“

I startle and look up. Half my brain is still reciting the seven spells one can use to detect magical traces, so it takes me a moment to process what Harry has just said.

„What?“

He gets up from his own bed and sits next to me on mine. I want to tell him to piss off, but the determination in his eyes keeps me from going through with it.

„This is more than sex to me. I don't really know what it is, but – yeah. It's more than fucking.“

I remain silent. My heart is thudding in my chest.

„What is it to you?“ he asks quietly.

„What do you think?“

I hate my voice for breaking.

„Fuck,“ Harry says and his arms wrap around me, pull me close. I hold onto him, hug him back, even though I know it would be so much smarter to run.

„What are we doing, Draco?“

„I don't know.“

I hide my face in the juncture of his neck and shoulder.

„I just... I don't see how it could work. You don't even live here.“

I don't tell him that I could. Afterall, I don't know that. Robards probably wouldn't let me work here. 

„It's okay. I'm not good enough for you,“ I say.

Harry pulls back and looks into my eyes.

„That's not it, Draco. You are. You're more than good enough for me. You inspire me to be a better person.“

I stare at him and wonder if it's possible to keep on falling harder for someone who you're already head over heels for.

„Then you're the only one who thinks that. The press will eat us alive. Your friends will hate you.“

„Hermoine wouldn't hate me.“

„Weasley would.“

Harry doesn't argue against it because he knows I'm right. He looks so forlorn that my heart aches. I lean in and kiss him hard.

Sadness and frustration translates into a searing kiss and I let him push me down, encourage him to bruise my throat with his cock, before he starts wanking me furiously. The last thing I hear before my orgasm ricochets through me, is him saying:

„Come for me, love.“

I need to make a decision and I need to make it soon. In fact, I'm already too late. But that doesn't mean I won't have to make it. And since this is an important one,

I do what I always do in times of need – I talk to Hermoine.

„I'm sorry to do this to you again,“ I begin, fidgeting.

„But you're going to tell me something that I'm not allowed to tell anyone else. Right?“

She sounds just a little exhausted.

„Yeah. Thank you.“

„No problem. Is it the fact that you're sleeping with Draco?“

My jaw drops.

„How do you know?“

She rolls her eyes.

„I don't know, Harry. It's almost as if I'd be living with you.“

My cheeks are hot.

„Is it that obvious?“

„Obvious enough for me and Pansy to notice. I'm not sure about the others. Ron doesn't know.“

„Fuck.“

I lean back, my head hitting the wall of Hermoine's room.

„Now tell me. What exactly is it that the two of you are doing? Because if it's just casual shagging, I'll have to tell you that you're being stupid and making poor life choices.“

„It's worse. I think I like him, Hermoine.“

She nods slowly.

„Okay, well. At least.“

„At least?“

„At least you're not risking it all for a quick shag.“

„But no one would have to know about a quick shag. A relationship is somthing else completely. I mean, we could never work.“

Hermoine readjusts her legs on the bed and puts on what I like to call her diplomatic-face.

„I won't go pretending that I'm thrilled about your feelings for Draco, but lets play this out. Assume you two are getting together. The press would be eating itself alive. They'd accuse Draco of coercing you and manipulating you and they'll question your sanity. The worst of it would probably last for, what is it usually – three weeks? Then everyone would start getting used to it and there would be maybe one or two articles a month about you two. Second point – Ron. I'm not going to lie, he'll be mad. He won't understand it. But if Draco really makes you happy and if you're good for each other, I'm sure that Ron would come around eventually. I'd help you to make him realize it. And that's about the worst of it, isn't it?“

I stare at Hermoine. My head is a little fuzzy.

„I don't think it would be all that bad, Harry.“

Her voice is incredibly gentle and I surge forward and hug her tight.

„Ugh, don't squash Rose, please.“

„You got a name?“

She smiles.

„Yes, and guess who made the suggestion.“

„I'm not in the mood for sex, Potter.“

I refuse to look at Harry, my gaze remaining fixed on my book.

„Are you in the mood for dinner, then?“

I look up – and blink in surprise. A bouquet of white roses is being shoved into my face. The smell is thick and sweet.

„What's gotten into you?“

Harry's face surfaces behind the roses, rueful and glowing and hopeful. And so pretty.

„I've been an arse. I'm sorry, Draco. But I want to try for real. I want us to go have dinner together. Just you and me. Like a date.“

„Like a date?“

„Not like. As a date.“

Slowly, I take the flowers from him. My hands are shaking just a little.

„You're mental, Potter.“

„Maybe. But I've always been a bit crazy about you, so.“

He shrugs and smiles and my heart is melting. There is nothing I can do to stop it.

„Okay, fine. But you're paying.“

The smile that spreads on Harry's face is bright enough to rival the sun.

It's only after a dazzlingly brilliant dinner in a tiny Muggle restaurant, where Harry laughed at my jokes and we held hands and the waitress told us what a cute couple we make that I dare ask him about Weasley.

„I take it Weasley's reaction as we left together means you told him?“

„Yup. I did. And I think he hates me a little right now, but... Hermoine says he'll come around and she's almost always right.“

Harry forces a smile.

My heart is thudding.

„I'm sorry. You shouldn't fight with your friends because of me.“

Harry takes my hand again and it feels surreal, walking through Muggle London, holding Harry's hand.

„Ron is the only one who has a problem with it so far. And I expected that. He always needs some time to adjust to changes. Like I do too.“

He takes a deep breath, the streetlight illuminating his golden skin in a yellowish colour.

„It was stupid of me to wait this long. I'm as much of a guy for casual as you are and I knew from the start that... I like you.“

We've stopped walking and I gaze into his emerald eyes, still not quite believing this is my reality.

„I like you too, arsehole.“

He laughs, a rich, full sound from deep inside his belly and then I kiss him and he kisses me back and the world doesn't stop spinning, but it's spinning around us

now, because in that moment, we're the center of the universe.

„I have to pee all the time. And I mean, all the time. It's horrible. I hate it so much.“

Hermoine has a hand propped into her lower back. Her belly has grown huge and I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must be to walk around with that thing.

„I'm so ready for this baby to come out.“

„I'm sure you are,“ Draco says empathetically and I take his hand.

It's been four months since our relationship officially began and I'd easily say those four months belong to the best ones of my life. The only thing that really is weighing me down is Ron. He's speaking to me again, but it's not like it used to be. I'm starting to fear he might never forgive me for this.

Pansy and Blaise on the other hand were cautious at first, but now they seem to have completely accepted me. Draco told me Pansy loves me now after I allowed her to paint my face one night.

Now, there is another thing that makes me anxious. Our last year of basic training is rapidly coming to an end and I know that this might mean it's time for Draco and the other Slytherins to return to France. It would be stupid to do their special training in a country they won't work in later on, so the decision they make now will likely be definite, at least for the near future. And while I know that Blaise is seriously considering to stay here, I've never heard Draco utter so much as a word about it. I haven't yet asked – too scared of the answer I might receive – but I know we'll have to talk about it soon. France might not be the end of the world, but it would be long distance nonetheless and I'm really not sure I can do that.

„Draco? Can we talk?“

Draco turns away from Hermoine and smiles at me.

„Sure.“

He follows me to our room and as soon as I close the door behind us, he's on me, kissing me passionately. For a moment, I'm tempted to just go with it, my dick already twitching in my trousers, but the unease in my chest is too strong to ignore.

„I actually really meant to talk,“ I say.

Draco pulls away, sullen expression on his face.

„We can continue that later, yeah?“

„Alright.“

He lets go of me and we settle on my bed together.

„Okay, first thing – Andromeda asked about you. She'd love to have you over again soon.“

Draco smiles. No one has been more surprised than he was when both Andromeda and Teddy liked him instantly.

„I will. Thanks for the invitation.“

„Yeah.“

He looks at me, waiting.

„Harry?“

„Are you going back to France?“ I blurt out.

My palms are sweating and my heart is hammering in my chest. I feel sick.

Draco looks down.

„I'm not sure.“

My racing heart doesn't calm down.

„Do you want to go back?“

Draco looks to the side. Bites down on his lip.

„It's complicated.“

„Why? What is complicated?“

„France has so much more to offer me. People there don't judge me on principle, you know? I have friends there.“

„You have friends here too.“

„Pansy will probably go back.“

„Blaise won't. And I wasn't only talking about the two of them. Hermoine is here. Terry is too. I am.“

Draco's expression grows unusually soft and he reaches out to brush his fingertips over my face.

„Those are your friends, Harry. Not mine. And you are not my friend. You're much more than that.“

„Then stay,“ I say, my mouth dry.

„I'm not sure I can.“

„Of course you can. I'll talk to Robards. He'll hire you, I'm sure. And you could live with me.“

Draco draws his hand away and frowns.

„I'm not your kept man. I have my own life.“

I blink, surprised by his reaction.

„I know that.“

„So then why aren't you coming with me?“

I stare at him, open-mouthed.

„I can't, Draco. My life is here. My friends, my family. My work. It's all in London.“

„And mine is in France.“

„But... but not all of it.“

„No, not all of it. But the parts I made for myself. Harry, all the things I have achieved by moving to Montpellier – those things are mine. I worked hard for them. I earned them. What you're offering me is a borrowed life. I don't think I can accept it.“

„I don't want to be without you,“ I say.

Panic is washing over me.

„France isn't that far. If it's that important to you... we could see each other every other weekend.“

„But I don't want to just visit you, Draco. I want to live with you.“

We're quiet.

„I don't want to be dependent on you, Harry. You have to understand that.“

„I do. Really. But couldn't you not depend on me in London? Does it have to be in Montpellier?“

Draco's eyes are studying my face.

„I'll think about it, okay?“

I let out a breath, willing myself to accept this as enough for now.

„Okay. Thank you.“

We celebrate my birthday in a small round – just the team. I wrote to Ginny, telling her she was invited, but she politely declined, which is probably better for everyone. 

Since Hermoine can hardly leave her bed – she's due in a week – we decided to just have a party in our common room. Pansy and Draco went and bought the most expensive champagne and sweets they could find, while Dean and Blaise took care of the remaining catering. Terry insisted to put up some lights and charm the ceiling into a nightsky. 

We've already drained three thirds of the bottles Draco and Pansy picked out and stacks of empty pizza cartons are proof of the amount of food we all demolished, when the countdown to midnight finally begins.

„Happy birthday!“ 

Everyone is cheering and Draco and I kiss and I think this might be my best birthday yet.

„Time for the presents!“ Terry croons and they all come hugging me, showing me what they got for me.

Hermoine bought me a book about duelling, with moving images that act out the different strikes so it'll be easier for me to practice. Terry and Dean hand me a gift card for our favorite bar and Blaise and Pansy made me an elaborate cake.

When it's Ron's turn, I'm a little wary. I think he's trying, but things are still so tense between us that it sometimes makes me want to cry. I miss my best mate.

„Here.“

I open the letter he handed me. Two shiny tickets fall out. My jaw drops.

„Ron, are those...?“

He grins.

„Tickets for the next Britain Cup? The second biggest Quidditch cup ever? Yeah. I thought you might like it.“

I hug him so tight that his ribs must be about to break, but he simply hugs me back and I know that things are going to be alright.

„But, Ron. Those are fucking expensive. Let me pay you for my ticket.“

„No need. Malfoy paid half. It's kind of... a gift from both of us. To you.“

I stare at him and then I look at Draco who seems more than smug, but smiles at me warmly and a tear is rolling down my cheek. I hug Ron once again.

„Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.“

„Thought you might. Now let me get a piece of Zabini's awesome cake.“

Ron is a little red, but he seems genuinely happy as well. When he saunters off to get his cake, Draco appears before me.

„Draco.“

I kiss him. I can feel him smiling against my lips.

„You already got the main part of my gift, but I do have something else for you.“

„It's too much,“ I say, but hold my hand out nonetheless.

„Don't worry, it didn't cost anything.“

He slips a little paper into my hand.

„This is the address to the flat Pansy and I rented. We'll move in there after our basic training is finished. As you can see, it's only a block away.“

This time, I'm speechless. I kiss Draco like there would be no tomorrow, trying to pour all my love – because that's what it is, even though I'm still afraid to name it – into it, trying to show him what this means to me.

„Thank you. It's the best gift I ever got.“

Draco arches a brow.

„Oh, Harry. That was just an address, you fool. The real gift is going to be there.“

I bite my lip.

„Are we going over right now?“

„If you like to. We could also stay here a little longer. It's your birthday. You're calling the shots.“

„Okay, good. Then we'll leave here right now.“

„Can I open my eyes now?“

My heart is thudding in my chest as I lead a blindfolded Harry into the empty, unfurnished flat. I pause a moment to look at the blanket I set up, the lit candles, the wine and the chocolates.

It's too much. He'll think it's silly. And it is – it's something a sixteen-year-old would do. He'll think I make a huge deal of virginity. Of course he thinks that. I've made him wait for nearly half a year now. 

But it's not how I mean this, not really. I simply wanted to show him that, as clichée and horrible as it sounds, I'm his now. I'm ready for everything with him, I want to be all in. 

„Draco?“

I take a deep breath and pull his blindfold off.

„Don't laugh,“ I say, panicking as he doesn't say anything. „I know it's silly, I just – I mean, it's your birthday and there's no furniture, so I thought I had to do something. And this is not a big deal, I know, it's really not. But I want you to fuck me tonight and I didn't really want to do it with all our friends in the same flat and so I thought we could come here to have a little privacy and don't worry, you don't have to eat any more chocolate if you don't want to.“

„Woah, slow down.“

Harry puts his hands on my shoulders and looks at me. His face makes something hard and tense in my chest crack open. Golden liquid is rushing through me.

„I love it. No one has ever done anything like this for me.“

He kisses me, then rests his forehead against mine.

„But I don't want you to do this as a gift for me. It's about both of us and I want our first time to be special and good.“

„It's always going to be special because it's us,“ I say lightly. „And I don't want to wait any longer. I think we've waited quite enough for this. Don't you?“

„I totally agree,“ he says and I grin and then his mouth is on mine again and he's kissing me passionately.

We somehow make it down on the blanket and I cast some cushioning charms while he takes off his clothes and then mine.

We've been naked together plenty of times before, but never with the intent of doing what we're about to do now.

„Are you nervous?“ Harry asks me. 

His hands are carressing my sides. Mine are on either side of his face.

„Yes,“ I say.

„Good. Me too.“

We kiss again and he opens the lube I brought because real lube is always going to beat the conjured nonsense we usually use because we're too impatient. 

Harry's hand wanders between my legs and I spread them for him. The first finger slides in easily and we sigh, because we both love this part.

He takes his time, there is no rush, and when he finally has three fingers pumping inside me, I'm a shivering mess, begging him to fuck me. I've done this before, but only after making clear I don't mean it.

This time, I do.

„Are you sure?“ he asks me, voice shaky.

„Yes.“

I pull at him and he puts one of my legs over his shoulder and aligns himself.

I've imagined this countless times before, but as it is with most things, it's different from how I thought it would be. It takes Harry a while until he gets the head in and I'm a little shocked by the pain, gripping his biceps for support. 

„Does it hurt?“

„A little. But keep going.“

He carresses my thigh and slowly pushes in further. I try to breathe through the pain and I can tell how hard Harry is fighting to control himself. His face shows that this is pure bliss for him and maybe that's what makes me push through the pain.

That or the strange fact that despite the discomfort, a part of me wants it harder, faster already.

„Oh, shit. Fuck. Fuck, Draco.“

Harry's mouth is hanging open and he stares at me in wonder. I swallow and slowly, slowly feel my body adjust, the pain easing.

„Fuck me, Harry.“

And he does. The first thrusts bring me to tears, but underneath the pain, there is something else, something roaring in my blood – a sweet, aching desire.  
Harry bends my leg a little further and lifts his body, just a bit. When he drives back in, I see stars.

„Merlin, Harry. Don't stop. Oh – oh. Don't stop, please.“

Harry's grin is wide and happy and full of this wonder that is so him and he keeps on aiming for that spot, until I clench in pleasure, gripping his arse, trying to get him go faster.

He loses his rhythm and his thrusts become erratic. I can feel him spilling inside me and it's such a strange feeling, but I already want to experience it again.

„Oh, fuck. Sorry, sorry.“

Harry is shivering over me, slowly easing out of me, staring at me with those beautiful eyes.

„Happy birthday, love,“ I say and he kisses me.

„I wanted you to come first,“ he whispers.

„I'll take you coming first as a compliment,“ I whisper back.

Then I take his hand and move it where I want it.

„Fuck me with your fingers and tell me how good it feels.“

„Fuck, Draco. You're so amazing.“

Two of his fingers are moving in and out of my puffy hole, grazing my prostate. His other hand starts stroking my cock and I arch my back, moaning.

„Look at you. You're an angel.“

I'm panting and I know I'm close.

„I wish I could watch. I want to see how you take my cock.“

I come with a shout, coating my belly and Harry's fingers in white streaks. He cleans us up and kisses my cheek as I slowly catch my breath.

„Next time you can have me on all fours. I assume you'll have a good view from there.“

He groans and I can feel his soft cock twitching weakly against my thigh. I don't think I've ever felt this powerful before.

„Sounds good,“ he says and then we kiss until none of us can move anymore.

„Do you have some blankets here?“ he asks me, his finger tracing circles on my belly.

I nod drowsily and grope for my wand to summon them. Thank Merlin I was foreseeing enough to bring some.

Harry pulls them over both of us and snuggles close to me, his head on my chest.

„I love you, Draco,“ he says.

I listen to him falling asleep, my hand carding through his hair. 

„I love you too,“ I whisper when I'm certain he won't hear me anymore.

I wake up with a scream, staring into the open mouth of some monster dog. Draco shoots up next to me, his head hitting mine and blinding pain explodes in my scull.

„Get your arse over here this instant, Harry fucking Potter! The baby's coming.“

Ron's silver terrier nudges me one more time with its muzzle, then vanishes into thin air.

Draco and I stare at each other wide-eyed.

„Fuck!“

We're all waiting in the common room together. The tension is high.

I know that ninety-five percent of the children born to witches are alive and well and their mothers are too. But those other five percent are suddenly making me nauseous.

„It'll be alright, Harry,“ Pansy says.

She's sitting to Draco's other side and seems to notice I'm on the verge of a complete freak out.

„Hermoine is a strong woman. She's got this.“

I nod and Draco takes my hand. I know they're right.

Still, when Ron's patronus finally returns to tell us that little Rose has now officially arrived, I'm starting to cry anyway.

Two days after Rose is born, Ron and Hermoine visit us all at the academy. They look beyond exhausted, but blissfully happy. The baby in Hermoine's arms is so tiny that I'm afraid to break something when I touch her.

Draco seems to have similar inhibitions, because he peers at her a little skeptically. I look at him and he meets my gaze.

I think we're both wondering the same thing.

Could that be us one day?

A wry smile is playing around Draco's mouth.

„Too soon, Potter. Way too soon.“

I smile sheepishly.

„I know, I know.“

I kiss him, then go over to my best friends. Dean is already sweettalking the baby, his voice higher than I've ever heard it, while Terry is laughing at him. Blaise and Pansy are both peering at little Rose and the adoration on Blaise's face warms my heart.

„Say hello to your goddaughter, Harry.“

Ron grins at me with an expression that makes me laugh.

„Already gone barmy, have you?“

He laughs and shrugs.

„A little.“

We all croon at the baby for a while longer, until Hermoine speaks up.

„So, Ron and I have been thinking.“

The two of them exchange a fond look.

„We've both got a month off now, until next term starts,“ he says. „After the break, 'Moine will be back with you guys. But I won't.“

My jaw drops.

„You'll take care of Rose?“

Ron nods.

„Yeah. We all know Hermoine is the brighter one of the two of us and, well.“

He shrugs and throws his girlfriend a loving look.

„I know she'd be insufferable if she couldn't put that great brain of hers to work. So I'll stay home for now and when Rose is old enough, I'll see what would work best for us all.“

„Thank you again for that, Ron. I can't even tell you how much it means to me.“

Hermoine leans her head against his shoulder.

I smile widely.

„Wise decision,“ Draco comments and Ron shoots him a glare, but it's not a real dark one.

„I'll miss kicking your arse, mate. But I'm so bloody proud of you,“ I say.

Ron grins at me.

„Oh, I'm counting on you to be over quite a lot. So you, you know, won't miss out on all the joys of fatherhood. Like cleaning up poop, getting food all over your shirt...“

Everyone laughs and I promise him to stop by whenever I can.

„Brilliant, because someone definitely has to babysit the little brat on our anniversary,“ he says.

Hermoine and him exchange a look, smiling.

„We will. Won't we, Draco?“

Caught, Draco's eyes widen.

„Um, sure.“

Ron gives him an assessing look.

„You better not teach my daughter some of your Slytherin shit, Malfoy.“

„Oh, don't worry. My presence alone will surely corrupt her.“

He smiles slyly.

Ron sighs.

„Probably.“

„Some sacrifices must be made if one wants to have his girlfriend all alone on their anniversary,“ I say and Ron nods.

We all bring them to the door. They'll live at the Burrow until they find a suitable flat and I promise them to visit soon.

When they're gone, the rest of us exchanges glances.

Pansy speaks up first.

„What do you guys think of a night-out to celebrate the blessed life of all the childless folks?“

We're all erupting into laughter.

„Sounds brilliant,“ Terry grins.

„You're such a horrible dancer, Harry,“ Draco complains.

„I told you I am.“

He's pulling me even closer, our hips swaying together. His silver eyes are gleaming as he looks up at me.

„Maybe I can teach you. In the end, dancing really isn't that different from fucking. And we both know you're at least good at that.“

My cheeks heat as his words remind me of earlier – Draco panting on his hands and knees, my cock driving in and out of his perfect arse.

„Hm, maybe.“

„Do you want more coffee?“ he asks me.

I shake my head.

„I'm good here.“

Draco loosely wraps his arms around my neck, crossing his wrists behind my head.

„We're having dinner with Teddy tomorrow,“ I say.

„I haven't forgotten about it.“

„I wanted to make sure if it's okay for me to introduce you as my boyfriend this time.“

Draco's face lights up at that.

„I guess I could live with that.“

I roll my eyes.

„Git.“

„But you love me.“

There is the faintest trace of insecurity lingering beneath his smug expression.

„I do, actually. Don't ask me why.“

„Oh, I probably will at one point or another.“

We both grin.

„Probably, yeah.“

He leans forward and brushes his nose against mine until our lips almost touch and all I can see are his silver eyes.

„You know what?“

„What?“ I breathe.

„I think I actually love you too.“

My smile is so wide that it hurts.

„I know, darling. I know.“

I bring my mouth close to his ear and breathe in the scent of his soft hair before I whisper: 

„But thank you for telling me.“

He kisses me until Pansy shouts: „Either you're coming now or I'll move in without you and you'll have to keep fucking Potter in your childsized trainee bed.“

Draco pulls away and rolls his eyes, smiling. The kitchen slowly comes back into focus. For a moment, I was convinced we'd be on a dancefloor in Paris, the nightsky above us.

„I think I have to go.“

„Seems like you do.“

We lock eyes. My heart aches in my chest. But it's the best kind of pain.

„I'll see you tomorrow,“ he says, giving me one last chaste kiss.

„I can't wait.“

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are amazing! I'd love to hear what you think <3


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